Possibly illegal

Hello all,
I've decided I'd better post something here so that I have a logical excuse for not quite writing a paper that's due in about a week.

Before I get started on the story section of this post, let me first say that I will turn 21 in 18 days! :D Granted I don't like to drink too often- I usually give each drinking session about a 2-3 weeks cool down session before I drink again. It allows me to appreciate it just a little bit more.

Anyway, story time:
Last Friday I went to a friends place for her birthday party. We've been pals since at least 2005 (high school), and we pretty much came out to eachother first. Albeit I came out to her twice, once as a bisexual male, and the other time as a woman.
Regardless, it was probably the first time that Ive ever really been invited to a party. Since I'm relatively secluded when it comes to social groups, I'm not invited to parties often, if at all. I don't think its really a big deal. Still, I got a text from my friend saying that her and her girl are having a last minute birthday party, and I'm invited.

I could stop here, and my reputation and y'alls perception of me could remain intact. Yet I'm fairly sure I'm making too much of a big deal about it. While at the party there was a lot of drinking (some people, my friend and myself included, were underage) and pot smoking. It was really my second time smoking the stuff... the other time was also at my friend's place, which may or may not have been a deciding factor in me attending her party.

Still, I got high. It felt pretty good, to say the least.
For those of you who do not know, I'm terribly afraid of dogs, and my friend happened to have one at her house... so I was wary of it for most of the night. When I smoked a little bit I realized that I was totally cool with the dog, and even started petting it- something I wouldn't do normally. I also have a lack of sense of smell- and my sense of taste is pretty terrible too. Still, while high everything tasted WAY better than I've ever remembered them to be... it must be what normal people taste!

It was a pretty rocking night. There was a bonfire (illegal, and I was freaking out about it before I mellowed out a bit) and music outside along with blankets. Everyone made vegan smores and all was good. Afterwards I helped put out the fire with my friend's girlfriend, and I believe gaining some brownie points with her.

Later in the night we all chilled inside just talking and letting my friend open her presents. She decided to act stereotypically jewish and save every bit of wrapping paper that she could, before someone promptly crumpled it up and tossed all of it. Just so y'all know, she was raised jewish before converting out of the religion... im not quite sure what she believes now. I sat next to her while she opened the presents and her girlfriend filmed her reactions to the stuff. I gave her my favorite musical- The Producers- as a last minute birthday present.

It was a really fun exprerience, and needless to say I felt pretty friggin' feminine throughout a lot of it. It may have been because my anxieties were finally gone and I could just let the real me shine through... but that segways into my next topic quite nicely.

I've been told that there are a lot of trans-folk out there who use drugs quite regularly to deal with problems of being trans (not saying that there are any problems with being trans, its just mostly emotional and social stigma which is forced upon us and prevents us from conforming well), and they do slip into a nasty drug habit.

Again, I'm not saying that pot is a "gateway" drug like its often portrayed by most, its just as likely to lead you into worse drugs as cigarettes. What I mainly wanted to say is that any transperson out there who DOES do a little bit of drugs... be careful of yourself. Enjoy that bud or beer responsibly, and please don't do anything rash.

With that said, I probably won't smoke again for another month or two... make me enjoy it, y'know? ;)

G.I.F.T.

Sorry Nathan! I haven't posted forever because... well there wasn't really anything for me to post about, lest I'd go through all of the semester. Before I do that, I'd like to mention some things about what happened in the past week or so.

The big thing was that my school LGBT club called Spectrum hosted a discussion panel with the Office of Multicultural Affairs and a few others. What was the topic of the panel, you ask? "Where is the T in LGBT?" :3

I sat in the back and filmed the entire thing on a small camera. I'm afraid I got the back of people's heads and the main composition was bad (as my wrist started giving out about half way through and started twitching awkwardly)... but still, I got the audio, which was the important thing. Anyway, the panel was mostly about trans-awareness and had a bunch of trans women and men in the audience and in the panel. First time I've ever been in the company of other transwomen, and I was a tad nervous to say the least. The panel talked about hate crimes against trans people, the struggles they go through, and recent legislation in my state to have laws against hate crimes. It was immensely interesting to say the least :)

So, after the panel I chatted it up with one of the transmen, Jake. If he hadn't mentioned that he was trans I wouldn't have known... which makes me think that passing as a transman is much easier than transwomen, since most of them in the audience were older than me by about 40 years (at least), and looked a bit like men. I tried not to stare, since thats commonly considered rude, and for god sakes I didn't want to do or say anything awkward that'd ban me from the community.

Anyway, I commented to Jake about if there was any evidence to support the idea that a majority of transwomen entered the military, since one of the comments after the panel briefly mentioned it. He started to talk about the subject as if I was new to the entire thing- as if I wasn't in the community. I was nervous to say that I was in the community, since there were a few friends still lingering around. So I casually said stuff like "Oh yeah, I read that on a forum I frequent" and I eventually flat out mentioned the work I do to support trans-people in Second Life. He got that part immediately, and pointed me to some local resources. He gave me his business card and told me about the local trans group (its meeting is this week, so I'm definitely going!) and all kinds of things. We joked around a bit and it was really kinda fun. After I told him vaguely that I was basically in the same boat, I noticed that I was able to open up a bit and show off a bit of my feminine side- something I hardly do in real life. It felt good for once :)

So I went around to the people who were left, talked to a younger transwoman on the panel and congratulated her on speaking that night. I also talked to the head of the local trans support group (who I wouldnt have guessed was trans, giving me hope for myself :) ), and she told me where it was and local landmarks to help me find it.

"Its right by the Chinese Restaurant on Mills Ave." She said
"Oh, I love Chinese!" I said
"Well, the reason why I say that is because if you park in their parking lot you will be towed... they don't seem to like us over there."
"Oh... well, atleast I have dinner plans for that night atleast ^_^;"

(the name of the support group is GIFT)

The rest of the night went smoothly. A couple people whom I told I was trans was there and congratulated me on coming. One of them was a girl in Spectrum whom set up the discussion in the first place- making me think the entire thing was for me anyway.


Er. Besides that nothing else has been going on. I've been going to my therapist about all this stuff, and I've started to take DHT blockers to help my hair grow back. Also I've been taking some medicine to help me stop having hallucinations... hopefully it'll work.

Adios!

Gaaah!

Ha! Heres Cat telling me to do a post and she hasn't done one in ages :P Oh well. She has been busy with college soooo yeaaaah....*hee*

Not much to report on things. When ever I see Cat she has always made such great progress while I'm pretty much stuck where I am for the time being. I sometimes do get waves of depression hit me because of it and just wanted to curl up in the corner and not leave the flat. I feel this make me want to seek some sort of help, even for me just to accept how things are going to be from now. But I'm pretty busy with uni work soooppfftttttt..

By the way I have started a new blog about my studies into sex and gender which you can find here http://blueforaboy.blogspot.com . This is mostly for final year research but I do like updating it. Sex and gender have always been a great interest of mine. :)

Stuff over the Summer

Wow, I'm really sorry. It's been ages since I last posted. So I'll round up everything in a nut shell.

Basically summer was cool...in a way. I pretty much had to work most of it which was insanely boring but needed the money. I crossed dressed most days I was there and no-one really seemed to mind. Though I did hear there was stuff said about me behind my back. Pfft people are silly.

My hair is now the shortest it's eve been. The first time it was done it looked great so went back to the same girl to get it done again. This time though it was just too short and didn't suit me. It went from brown to blond to purple..and is purple now.
This was me at Amecon which I pretty much dressed the way I wanted to all weekend. Though I got a couple of strange looks it was freakin awesome. I still like going into the ladies toilet which my start becoming a problem...I'm just nervous is all. :/

I went to Berlin with Nigel for the bannk holiday weekend which was really nice but also kind of uncomfortable. Because I wanted to give him that 5% I promised him I didn't take my binder. Instead a wore a bra but found myself wearing mostly baggy clothes.I just don't feel comfortable with having my tits out all over the place.

So I'm in the new flat which is looking pretty sweet at the moment. I went out one day in a bra and really felt everyone was looking at my meat chest bags. It felt really uncomfortable so I put the binder on again straight away. I'm thinking of getting me some sports bras just to give me a little more bind on them but so I don't have to wear my binder everyday..as it's starting to hurt my nipples and back.

That's about...will probably write more soon but I really need to start thinking of my final year project :O

Schoolhouse rock

Wow its been forever since I posted anything on here... likewise for Nathan. Guess our live just got a bit nuts ^_^;

Well, I'm back in college now and quite frankly I'm swamped every tuesday and thursday. Classes on those days run from 11am to 8pm @_@... but I'm surviving. My roommates are ok (for guys). One's whipped by his girlfriend, and he's never actually slept in our room- so its like I have a single. Another got into a car wreck 2 days after he bought a car... and he's now on a leave of absence for a semester. The last guy is alright. He says by himself often like me and sleeps a lot (he also eats a TON of tuna. Gotta check him for gills), but all and all he's alright.

Been to my therapist quite a lot recently. Just now going over what may be the cause of my auditory and visual hallucinations. Nothing definite right now, but we are getting close.

I started up a comic too, go check it out here: http://oat.smackjeeves.com/ It updates every monday with a story comic and every wednesday with a sketch of somekind.

As for other stuff, I tried to shave my legs with my electric razor but I only got about 3/4ths done before it sorta fried out on me. I swear my hair is as strong as steel! So now I gotta wear my pants lest I be caught with a half hairy leg standing against a hairless one. I also gotta do my chest, so I'm thinking about snagging me some of that chemical hair remover- Veet. I used it ages ago, and it works splendidly :)

Classes around here are ok, only class to really kick my ass is Japanese, which my book came late for. Apparently it got caught up in the mail for literally 16 days. I'm still kinda peeved. I'm taking Hebrew Bible, Semiotics, and Artist's book (where I learn how to make books :D ), and they're all really fun!

Oh, and I bought a dildo, and I hope it came today ^_^



... what, TMI? ;)


See yall later!

Seeing things

Hey y'all, quick post today.

I'm heading back to college this Friday, the 20th, and I'll be packing all week. I've also got several doctors appointments this week and basically tying up loose ends. Overall this is the most stressed that I've been all summer, but its common when I'm heading back to school, so its all good :)

Anyway, last Thursday I went over to a friend's house to play videogames with his brothers. He kept suggesting how he wanted me and his brothers to spend the night and play games all night. His house was a bit run down and, well, male-ish. There were dirty dishes in the sink and the whole house was just dirty. If I had stayed the night I'd have to have slept on the couch or something. The AC unit hardly even covered the entire house.

So, needless to say I didn't spend the night, and I dropped off the brothers sometime around midnight. Now, my friend's house is literally 2 towns away, so I had to drive down a really dark road around 1 am. I was getting a little sleepy but I was still awake enough to make it another couple of miles or so back home. There were no lights around and no cars behind or in front of me. Thats when I saw a little lantern light hovering about 5 feet above the ground and about 20 feet behind my left shoulder. It was pretty dim... probably about as bright as a 50 watt light bulb. It followed me for about 5-8 minutes... roughly 4-6 miles. I noticed it in my rear view mirror first, and it didn't dawn on me to look behind me or to check my mirrors until about 4 miles and I had deduced that it wasn't a motorcycle. It stayed exactly 20 or so feet behind me and slowed down wen I did... I eventually looked in my side mirror (changed perspective), and it just vanished.

I'm afraid it might have been a hallucination, but I'll talk to my therapist about it.

Physical

*Dusts off the cobwebs*

Hmm, hey y'all, I know its been a while since either Nathan or myself has posted on here... Thank god I posted a "I'm doing O.K." message on the 5th, because honestly I don't really wanna go into it.

School is closing in fast, and honestly it couldn't come any sooner. I'm completely tired of my parents constantly commenting about how I'm turning into a delightful young man. Oddly enough I got a comment from my mother earlier today whom said I look like Jesus. I didn't get it, really.

Anywho, I recently bought some Jeans closer to what I'd like to wear when I'm in girl-mode; Straight jeans with bootcut. Of course I bought male jeans, but they're roughly the same sort of thing- I just consider them lowrider female jeans. If y'all haven't noticed, the temperature in Florida during the summer is in the mid 90's (mid 30's in C). Regardless of what the weather is like, I always wear jeans because I hate my leg hair, and I will always wear jeans if I'm in guy-mode. If I had my way I'd have my legs shaved and I'd be in a skirt like I really want to... however I can't at this point in time.

Fun fact: Most of the male jeans I own now are actually my father's old jeans, or other jeans my parents got for me. All of them are carpenter jeans (which helped me out when I was a kid, but they've gotten far too baggy for my liking).

The place where I bought my jeans was a discount retailer, a place I'm convinced is hell. Women's carts strewn around the narrow isles, hotter than the dickens, disorganization of the shelves, and complete silence save for the clicking of hangers against steel coat racks. The worst part was I spied a cute top in the women section but I couldn't buy it since my folks would take a look at the receipt.... so annoying.

Also I've noticed how SHORT I actually am. I'm a 36 waist, 30 length. That's the pair of pants I'm wearing now, and honestly I'm actually a 36W28L, but heaven forbid I actually find a pair like that. Male sizes are so weird. I mean, who'd wear a 40L pair of pants? Those assholes should be in basketball if they're that tall!

Since I'm on a tangent, I'll state now that I had my yearly physical (FINALLY), and they said I'm 5'10", but I still hold to the fact that I'm 5'9" or somesuch. Finding a pair of pants that fit me (without me rolling up my pantlegs) is nearly impossible.

At my physical I asked my doctor about my hairloss, which she recommended me to have bloodwork done and check for my testosterone levels. Hopefully something would come from that and I could get on some DHT blockers (the active hormone that causes hairloss) and prevent my hair loss.

My father and I have what I'd consider a scuffle recently over hairloss. He came into my room and saw a Bosely (anti-hairloss) commercial, to which he commented about how they actually did the procedure. Ever since I was a little kid he's explained that they take hair follicles from the back of your head and place it on the top of your head so as to make it look like you have something up there. He's completely against it, but he's about as bald as I'll be in coming years. He cites the fact that hair is dead by the time it pops out of your skull, and why would you even bother with it. That really pissed me off. Here I am about to go bald myself- my shower drain is clogged every time I take a shower- and here he goes off saying I don't need it. Fuck all, I have a comb over! Hair is all I really have anymore. I'm morally against wigs, and I'd much rather grow my own hair- lest I want to be a bald woman.

Whatever it takes, I'm going to get my damn hair back.

Thats all that is on my mind... and sorry for all the cussing. I'm a little tense, I haven't dressed since the 4th of July, and I probably won't be able to dress in ages...

Hide

They said nothing the entire day. I believe my mother is as oblivious as a bat in a thunderstorm.

I feared that the instant I got out of bed that I'd be bombarded with questions and have to relay 2 years of LGBTIQQA information all the while making them not hate me. Sure, I feel that my parents are now more open then ever before, but I still was afraid that something could go horribly wrong and... well I wouldn't get money for college.

My main method for telling them remains to be to get them relaxed so that we could talk and have a discussion like civilized adults. I'd require a 'speaking batton' for anyone to speak... that way I woudlnt get interrupted. Next I'd begin in 2008 when I went to San Fran with them where I found out I was Bi... and then I'd expand to my deep depression that's lasted since age 12 to age 20... my suicidal tendencies and my eventual realization of my trans-ness. And I'd expand from there and say that I haven't revealed any of this to anyone... that I haven't told anyone of my transgender tendencies, just to cement the fact that I care about the family (shhh all of you >.> ). I'll emphasis that I've always been this person, just in denial. Obviously I haven't noticeably changed over 2 years... or if I have its been really positive. I'll explain that my therapist at school has really helped me out with all of this, and that she's been the cornerstone in my transition.

Speaking of transition, I will mention that I plan to transition when I'm out of college, so as to avoid confusion in the family, school, community, and myself. Transitioning while half way through college is hard... at least that's what I've deduced. Hopefully this will be a decent bargaining chip. From here I'll wing it... I donno what will happen by this point, but I hope its for the best.

I plan on doing this all in due time... perhaps at the end of this year in college.

I'm simultaneously posting this here, on the Transe-generation forums, and on my blog ( [url="http://from-both-sides.blogspot.com/"]From both sides[/url] ), so as to avoid retelling the same thing twice. I know a lot of you have worried about me based on my last post... and I'm fine.

Just after I posted my last... post... I decided I needed to hide all of my stuff. Makeup, clothes, books (I do my research!)... everything. I did this by way of my closet and a tub of beanie-babies. I hid the boxes in my closet (all of varying size) high on the shelves next to the door, hoping that they'd think that nothing has happened there in a very long time. I hardly ever go in there, so its unlikely that I go in there even now.

I think I did a good job of hiding it... :)

I dreaded getting up this morning.... for obvious reasons. But nothing happened, and that filled me with a sort of blank emotion, which lessened as the day went on. However I didn't feel girlish... I felt just awkward. Whenever someone forces me to do something its likely that I will never do it, hence why I was afraid of being forced to come out. Still, I promised myself the last time I dodged coming out to not run away the next time I had to truly come out. I progressively became more feminine as the day went on thanks to Second Life. I put on a frilly dress and went out to a ballroom :)

I'm fine now, thanks to all those who worried and gave be all their best wishes. I love you all <3

-Cathy


P.s. I doubt this situation has been resolved... expect to hear more from it in the future.

Suprise come out.

Ok, while I type this I'm slightly hyperventilating and crying. I plan to post this both to my blog and the Transgeneration forums, so pardon if I get a little vague or covering old ground.

Alright, long story short. Over the summer I've been working landscaping with a friend and making a ton of money. I've used this money leisurely to buy makeup. Today I bought the last bit of my makeup and decided to put it on in the evening. I went to my bathroom to put it on after my parents went to sleep.


Or so I thought.

F**k all.... tonight WOULD be the night that my mother comes back to my bathroom to not wake my dad up. She comes back to use my restroom; I'm in my room and hear her come in. I had just finished puting on my makeup and was back admiring my horrible job (its my first time) when she popped in her head and said "Is it ok if I use your bathroom?" I say "Uh... no, I can't let you do that." "Why?" "It... I think it smells?" (I have no sense of smell...). I can tell my voice is shaking but I don't care. I'm too afraid and panic-stricken to say anything useful. She goes in anyway, goes to the bathroom, washes up (even folds my towel which was mere feet away from the makeup half opened (Why didn't I clean up when I was done?!) and leaves. Not a peep from her.

I quickly remove my breast forms (most expensive things on me), and clean up hastilly. I wipe off all my makeup and go back to see her. I can tell I'm panic, and I know she can see... not to mention how red my face is from scrubbing. She's on the computer, in her glasses, squinting at the computer screen. We talk for a bit about nothing. Especially nothing in the bathroom. She's not crying or anything... if anything she seems a little annoyed, but ok (she wasn't annoyed in her voice tho). She doesn't hate me... I dont think.

So I'm back in my room, writing this (obviously). After I post this to my blog and the forums, I'm going to forward the blog to my therapist, explain what has happened briefly and advice on what to do, clear out my cookies and bookmarks, and hide my stuff as best I can.

.... and I'm going to prepare for "the talk".
If its anything like the one I backed out of 2 years ago when they found out I was gay, then... its going to be emotionally painful (perhaps physical). Thus far I have proven myself to be an able bodied person and my father even said that he was proud of me recently...

I posted this on here to see if I can get any sort of advice from anyone; however this shows that they may already know....

I may not post for a while. Hopefully I'll be alive (yes, I'm THAT scared, but its an irrational scared). If at all possible I will post.... eventually.

Oat

Hey ya'll, I've been home for a little bit now, but a little too tired to write anything worthwhile here.

My vacation was overall good, saw lots of things and had some fun here and there. What wasn't fun was being stuck in my father's car while my aunt and mom drive in the other car we had. My dad kept loosing them in the traffic on our way to San Fran, and kept getting pissed, driving like crazy, and generally rendering myself catatonic.

Ugh.

I got my own room though, which was nice for a change. I got to mess around a lot and sleep whenever I wanted. The bed wasn't too bad... just had a giant ridge in the middle though. But the room was swanky, so it wasn't a big problem.

But when we got to San Fran we walked around a bunch in both the Fisherman's Warf, Chinatown, and Japantown. Luckily I was able to find some toesocks finally in a little vendor... and as what I think was a joke, my mom bought me some rainbow ones too! x3 Perhaps she knows...? I have no idea, but it was still sweet of her.

The flight back was alright. Nothing to really report there.

I've been mainly drawing my comic, and to give you all a little taste of what its all about here's the first page (click to enlarge)
I obviously couldn't make "Campbell" either male nor female, since the majority of the people who will read this will know me as either gender... So I picked a genderless name and a genderless appearance. Eventually I hope to reveal Campbell's true gender... but as of now, most people whom I showed this two think the gender of Campbell is relative to my perceived gender- people who know me as male see 'him' as male, and likewise to those who know me as female.

So overall I think the reaction to Campbell was overall a positive one and what I was really looking for when I created him/her.

Here's a rough look at the next comic, which has been changed from the original series progression... but then again its changed about 3 times now, and will keep on changin'
I have no overall comments to this thus far except that the bunny is named Paul, and the Elephant is named Gan, and the only one to wear a tie in the series. I do like the sketchyness of their dark clothes though :)

Thats all I'm up to, see ya'll later!

Away from the oil

Hey y'all, I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my last blog post (as I am too lazy to actually check it :P ) but I flew out to San Fran on the 9th of June. Me and my family will be driving all the way up the coast.

Got into San Fran at 11am local time after spending about 4 hours in the air and an extra on the ground... needless to say I was pretty damn pooped. To be honest I would have loved to have staye in San Fran the entire 'cation... but my parents decided to drive north about 7 hours (Jesus, did it really take us THAT long?) to Fort Ross where we spent the night.

Funny story. The entire ride up to the fort consisted of dozens upon dozens of twisting roads that would have made a sidewinder green with envy. I, naturally, being stuck in the back kept thinking how good I'd feel if I barfed somewhere. You know your feeling pretty bad when you feel that throwing up will help. Anyway, we got to the hotel, got the keys (I got my own room, which was super nice)... but I broke my key off in the lock. Eventually got it out and I passed out on the bed at 5pm and woke up around 9pm. Watched Mythbusters and dicked around for a while before passing out again.

Woke up the next day and went on a really nice hike around the hotel where I got some fantastic photos of the coast






By this point I'm feeling pretty good until about 10 minutes of driving on those roads again. We went all the way from Fort Ross all the way to Benbow (look 'em up... I'm not kidding), where I discover that we're rooming in a trailer, and I'm sleeping on the couch.

Although we are pretty close to the Red Wood "Avenue of the Giants", and all the roads stopped twisting like a caterpillar on a Mobius strip- so tomorrow should be really lovely. Here's to 12 more days ;D

A few interesting things have been happening with my transition. I've been more or less been doing it all the 'slow and steady' route. I've been walking more effeminately, moving more so, and just all in all feeling really great. My folks are cool with my hair and stuff... so its all good :D But during the trip there have been some odd things brought up in conversation that make me curious as to if my parents truely know.

Like I said on the first day we drove for like 7 hours, and after a while I had to be in the front to prevent spewing all over the place. The entire plane ride I had a bag between my legs and couldn't move them, and when I got in the front seat my mother's purse and bags were up there, which I commented "I'm just tired of being in modes of transportation with things between my legs!" I didn't realize what I had said (because yes, I do hate... 'it') my father quips "Well you should be used to it by now!" I donno if he was referring to the bags or my... bags >.>

In the airport my mother slipped and said "Atta girl" to me...

On the ride my father commented "I'm glad we didn't have a girl, too much trouble with all those hormones!" Well... sure, I wasn't born a girl, but I don't think I'd be too different than I am now. Still, its an odd thing to say, yet its been something they've been saying for years. Commenting on what my 'girl name' would have been (Nancy), and what would be different if I had been born such.

Still, I wonder what would things be like if me and Nathan had been born the correct sex...
Would we be happy? Or would we still desire to be the opposite sex? Is it in our genes or more specifically in our train of thought?

... I think about this all the time ^_^;



Also, I want to give a shout out to my Girlfriend Kayla who has been posting on here quite regularly- It really does warm my heart to hear some encouraging words from ya baby <3

Oh, and I'm really lovin' the way me and Nathan's dialect has changed since the blog started. I'm starting to have some southern influences (saying y'all and ... well yknow) to my sentences and the structure has gotten a lot more loose while Nathan has been using some curse words (all well justified!) as well as some solid manly language.... I'm loving it!

New hair cut!

I've got a stinking cold at the moment :( Just as I finish uni and get time to myself I get a stinking cold. Grrr.

I got my essay on masclulinty in Disney films back on Tuesday and got a 2.1 (for you yanks that's the next mark down from the highest mark) which I'm really pleased with. Writing is not my strongest point but I'm pleased I was able to produce something good.

Over the weekend I got my hair cut. Picture time! Dun dun dun!

This is the shortest I've ever had it and love it. The girl did a great job. It even looks good when I'm in 'girl mode' as we'll call it now. All in all pretty happy.

I would write more but my head is thumping after writing this and that last post. I'm off to get myself a hot drink and some more sleep.

OK..it's been a long time.

First off I'm sorry it's taken me awhile to post. I could go on about how I've been busy and such but I haven't really. Not busy enough to take about 10 minutes out of my day to write a quick blog post. Mostly I've either been actually busy, distracted or down about things.

Lets start from the beginning. Ok.

So I told Nigel....and I told my Mum.

My mum took it stupidly awesomely well. I mean REALLY well. She just said if it was gonna make me happy then so be it. Since then we've had a couple of good conversations about it.

Nigel didn't take it as great as Mum did. Can you blame him though? At first he just went quiet and didn't talk about it. Then a few days later he prompted up "Well it's either me or the transition." Which pissed me off no-end. To be honest I didn't want to be the one making the decision because it left both our happiness in my hands. And I get so frustrated when I'm left to make all the decisions but "He just wants to make me happy!" Sounds noble and caring and shit but when all you want is for that other person to be happy but you don't KNOW what will make them happy you're always the bad guy. The bad guy for no reason because they are too scared to make their own decision or to talk about things so both people are happy.

Hope that made sense. I sort of rage when that subject comes up.

Anyway a few weeks later and me and Nigel hadn't been very talkative and we both knew it. It all came out in a bit of a deep talk/argument when Nigel finally told me how he was feeling and I was finally able to express myself without him not wanting to listen. He kept on saying how I wasn't who I use to be, the girl he use to have fun with. I told him I'd rather die then go back to being that way. The scared person who could only do anything if he was there helping me. It was raised that if I was unhappy then it made him feel I was unhappy with him. To be honest I was only happy when I was with him. I couldn't stand my own company back then as I can now. I feel more confident to act the way I want to act in public now. Well I would more when I can afford a better binder that actually holds down everything.

It came to the fact that he didn't find me attractive as a male. Which is fine. I don't want to hear this bollocks that I'm not the same as I use to be. In a way I'm not but I still hold all my good traits and I've gained confidence with it. He wanted 5% . Meaning just once in awhile I would put on a bra, dress as a girl and be his girlfriend. Which...is...FINE! Jesus Christ why did it take about a month to get that out! It does mean that I won't be able to go any further in the transition as I am now I love my boyfriend and I need and want him in my life. Meaning that I have to slap on a bra and some make up every blue moon then I'm fine. It's not what I want...but I want to give something back to him after he's done so much for me.

After the talk we had an awesome weekend together. I'm gonna start another post but things seem all good now :)

"...Are you gay?"

Hey there everyone, I just got back from a carshow that I went to with my dad.

Its really the first time I've been to one of those in over a year. Usually me and my dad load up in our old car, go over to a friends house, pick them up in their old car and go to the show. At the show we'll usually eat and look at all the cars until trophies are handed out, and then we go back to the friends house and I play games with his son.

Anyway, we roll up to the friend's (whom we call Chowder) home and its all good. I see all the new additions he's done to his house in the past year, and he comments about how I've become a "Man". Only if he knew xD. My hair has really grown in the last year or so, and it sorta caught him off guard. It was humorous.

I've been going to this house for probably 12 years now in a similar sort of tradition. Regardless, before we go to the carshow, I'd play videogames. Usually with Chowder's son, Ben, but when he's not there I usually just play by myself as my dad and Chowder catch up.

The main reason why I went this evening was because Ben just graduated from Highschool and I wanted to congratulate him. When I get there he's been playing this other game for a bit, and I let him play while I doodle. Eventually we pop in Wiisports, wherein this happy tune begins. He comments "I know, really gay tune..." I was like "o.O? I wouldn't say that..." As it turns out he thought I would think it was gay, and somehow have a problem with it. I, of course, didn't.

So we play bowling and eventually go to the carshow.

The carshow, as it turns out, was at Hooters.... oh fun ^_^;. The entire time I'm in the restaurant I pay no attention to the women, and either do origami or watch Wheel of Fortune while the three men at my table just go nuts over the boobs and whatnot. Chowder downed a dozen oysters and a dozen wings... I donno how he does it.

Anywho, I think Ben sort of noticed that I was wiggling my hips a bit more or not really watching the women in Hooters... He asks "... Are you gay?" while my head was turned, and I wanted to see if I heard him correctly, and I asked "What did you say?" which he replied "Oh, sorry, it was a question which I shouldn't have asked, forget I said anything" and that was that.

It was overly interesting but tickled me to the bone. If you had asked me that two years ago I would have gotten really defensive. A year ago I would have gotten really nervous and attempted to dismiss it. Asking me that now sort of shows how comfortable I've gotten with myself... it shows that I'm no longer a "Manly man" from a year ago or so- to me it seems like I've femmed up quite a bit. You know, someone who is effeminate enough to be classified as gay. Heh... it made sense to me.


The evening went by pretty uneventful from there... I went over to Books-a-million where I bought Gullivar's Travels, Moll Flanders, and The Illiad for my plane flight in a week. All of the books were only $4 each! What a deal! :D

Cath's better

Sorry about the last post everyone... I guess it happens. I'm all better now, thanks to some responses :)

So yeah, I've been working for several days straight waking up at dawn thirty and coming back home each day to a pair of dirty clothes and a lobster appearance... but its all well and good, I'm making some really good money and I lost 6 pounds (lol, I sense a British joke coming on :P )

hmm, nothing else going on besides that... just wanted to say that I'm doing much better today and that I love you all ^_^

*Agrivation*

Ok, to be very blunt, I'm really annoyed right now. I'm sad too.

Thing is, last night I took some pictures of myself as I dressed up... and the pictures just sucked. The main problem stemmed from my hair. I'm thinning on my crown and I'm unsure if there's any way to regrow it. I am, idiotically, morally against wigs, so I will NEVER resort to them.

Unless I find something to grow back my hair I will end up as a bald woman... and whats the point of that? I know hormones will stop and most likely revert hair loss, but I'm at most 2 years from getting on hormones... When I graduate, and when I may theoretically be able to transition.

I basically just look ugly. So, I might as well just resort to going back to being a fucking guy, scratch my ass every day, bang chicks left and right, LOVE football, and never ever fucking talk about my goddamned feelings -___-

Then whats the point of anything? I'd resort to my former depressed state, possibly constantly think about suicide, and live a long, lonely life where I never smile-

- Sounds like fun :D /sarcasm/

I want to reassure you all that I will never resort to suicide. I've learned my lesson, and I make a point not to keep sharp objects ;D /serious/

Eh... just another doubting spell which I'm going through... I'll get through it.

*researches hair regrowth methods*

Rosie the Riveteer

Hah, well I suppose I can't put off an update forever ;D

I moved back home for the summer a couple weeks ago, with a ton of stuff! (Just look at my previous post). Compared to my other summer breaks, I really did unpack all my stuff relatively quickly... all within a few days. Although in order to all that unpacking, I also had to clean out my room, throwing away notebooks from Highschool and then donating a whole bunch of guy pants and socks that have been collecting dust in a dresser hidden in the depths of my room >.>

Overall it all looks good. I organized all of my textbooks, books, manga, and dvd/vhs videotapes (I'm old school) all on my bookshelves and cleaned out dressers which have otherwise been filled with... crap. My floors are clean and everything is in its spot. The only thing that wasn't cleaned up was my closet.

My mother has been on my case about getting a job. Although she was happy about when I cleaned my room... She specifically asked about "How many trash bags did he get outta there?", so I think I could have just filled trash bags with shredded newspapers and still have a messy room and she'd be happy.

Ugh.
Anyway, I've sort of resorted to "Guy work" out in the lawn landscaping with a good friend of mine. Unfortunately I have to wear shorts (I hate shorts) when I work, so I guess its been a good thing that I haven't been continuously shaving my legs. So, my mother is happy now that I have a pseudo-job (I am making money, which I will spend on girly things :3 ), except on one of my only days off after several days of haard working she literally asked if I had been cleaning my closet. "Oh sure mom, I spend my days off when I'm so sore that I can hardly stand by working more."

lol, I could have sworn this update would have been longer... Thought I had something else to say...

Oh! I'm going on vacation next month to California! 2 years ago I figured out that I was bisexual in San Fran, and we're returning there and traveling north toward Oregon to see Redwood trees and stuff up there... heh, shame that the State couldn't hold two revolutions in my sexuality (the other, besides bisexuality, would be my transexualism), but oh well ;D

Hmm, the reason why I haven't been able to update the blog is simply because I've been soooo tired after working that I just crash. Good thing is that I am loosing weight and since I'm at my parent's home I am eating better. Everything is happy here. I'm still acting effeminate whenever I can (and when I can properly stand), and its great deal of fun...

Except I think I'm going bald D:

More on that later... I may use some of my money to get some Rogaine, I just need to figure out how long I need to continuously use it.

till next time,
Cath!

Why do I have so much stuff?

Yaaay. Moving day tomorrow, and all my stuff is packed up. Even all the stuff I like to play with is all squared away... kinda boring. All I have is my computer unpacked.

*sigh*

Also, when did I get so much crap?

Anyway, I'm kinda excited to go back. Despite the fact that it means that I can't fully be me... but still, there's always evenings ;D

Apparently my parents planned a family vacation out west again... back to where I found out I was Bi two years ago :P Should be fun. .

Thats pretty much all thats been going on here. I have a long drive tomorrow and I'll probably sleep heavily for a few days afterward.

Till next time-
Cath

Slowing down

You know, I really enjoyed Sam's (the name I decided to give Manny as sort of a test-name... it may be subject to change :P ) last post. I'm super happy that he managed to find a book in the library to help him out :) Heck, I may try to look for one myself ;D

For me finals are essentially over. I just have one left to do, and all its basically about is recounting everything I know about Hinduism and Buddhism- my bread and butter, so I'm golden.

Basically I have to just pack... bleh.

Its going to be tricky to hide my breast forms for sure >.>
... I guess I'll just keep em in a box <.<

Anywho, since it is finals and my roommates are all sort of going away next semester- one's graduating and the other is going to Japan for a semester. So its all sad to see them go for a little while, and not have them as roomies T-T So today I went with one of my roommies to go hang with a good friend of mine. Before we got over there we had some good ol' subway, after which I inflated the bag to make it look somewhat phalic. My roommate then pushed on the end and basically inverted it. He looked at me and looked back at it uttering the phrase "Sex change" with a laugh. I laughed too, after looking a little nervous. It was overall an interesting moment between us.

So we had fun at the apartment of my friends, played some videogames all while I inadvertedly standing and sitting much like a girl would. Its so... interesting how I just sorta do it naturally.

Hmm.... in other news I had my last meeting of the semester with my counselor, who commented about how interesing it was seeing me grow into a great person :) I'll have seen her for about 3 years now ^_^;

Nothing else is new here, I'll report back when something interesting happens, or when I wanna vent about my folks :P

Picking a name

Cath has pretty much has a name sorted for herself. Once the ball starts going she wants to be known as Catherine or Cat for short. I've given thought into what I would like my "guy name" to be but for some reason can't really see it being taken into action.

For ages when I was a kid I loved the named Mark and whenever I wanted to think I was a guy or pretended to be a guy I called myself Mark. I liked being called Umbrav, which is my badges name because though quite androgynous it's still more masculine sounding. I've known a lot of people trying to feminise it by changing it to Umbie or Umbie Chan (pfft). Manny came into the equation when I first started on Second Life. Manny is an original character I have who was quite popular at that time and I enjoyed drawing. When I first started on SL it was kind of a task to make my avie look like what Manny did in my drawings. But after two years he's become more of what I would like to look like.

The most recent name I've been known as is Derren a name that I personally really like and inspired by who I believe to be a very clever man Derren Brown. Only over the last couple of months have I been really thinking "Right...if I'm gonna be a guy..I'm gonna need a new name!" Derren I would like to be known as but this has happened a lot since I've been using Derren on SL and that is being called Darren. Now I don't mind Darren but I don't want it to be my name. I don't reeeaallly want to be called Manny either. Though I like the name I don't want people thinking I pick an unusual name because I could and to make me seem interesting. Just a normal name people could accept.

If things go the way they do I might be considered still female for a few years to come. It that case I thought it would be a good idea to pick a more androgynous name. I'm currently through the names and seeing what would suit me most. and I'm going "I like Tyler...but I don't look like a Tyler"

At least I've only got that and an essay to do. My head is swimming with thoughts of representations of masculinity it's making me crazy. Oh well..only a few more days.

The lonliness of it all...

The last few of days have been a little hard. I came to a conclusion with my consellor that this was a direction I wanted to go in but the only way for me to go any further was atleast let one of my parents know but most importantly Nigel.

With the added stress of hand-ins and essays I found myself getting stupidly drunk and passing out in a pile of my own vomit (yummeh!). I believe I talked to my friends in a drunken ramble about wanting to be known as a guy but considoring I WAS outragously pissed I'm not sure they took me seriously.

I still don't feel any better though. I've been losing weight which I really proud of and have been keeping to the diet. Just nothing seems to be cheering me up and I blame this fully on my period. It's pretty intense this month and I can't seem to get rid of the sense of self loathing.

Today was my last session with my consellor. The uni only allows you up to 6 sessions and anymore if you feel them nesserary. She's been really god help to me recognising what I need to do next. I finally got over my fear or looking more into FtMs and got 'The boy who was born a girl' from the libary. I felt incredably connected to the main focus in the documentary and the information about hormone treatment and packing was also very interesting. I can get something that will let me pee while standing up? WIN!

While I find so much excitment in learning these new things and thinking this could be more then me considoring I'm also pretty afraid to tell Nigel and my family. I think I will have to show Nigel this blog. It's the only way I can get him to somewhat believe that I'm not just doing this for a laugh. After that we can talk about it and see where we stand. I will most likely tell my Mum before my dad...and probably in a written letter or e-mail of some sort. That way it isn't so awkard and I'm not completely bombarded with questions that I get all confused and lose my point. I get like that it it seems to come off I'm not as serious as it really is.

I wanna cry...just to get it out of my system!! Then after that I can slap some sense into myself and get on with it. I wish i could meet more FtM after watching the doc. Where are they all? >.>

... Pictures

Alright, so on my male Facebook I have quite a few pictures of myself. Most of which are taken by webcam, and sorta just document how much I'm growing as a person. I've always essentially been the person who takes the pictures rather than the person in the photos... I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to vacation photos. I have very few photos of myself between the ages of 10 and 20, and thats fairly sad... but not so much given the fact that I don't really like the look of me.

er, well I do, but let me continue.

So, I've been taking more pictures of myself and decided to put some of them up on my male Facebook to sort of... show them off, I guess.

Instantly I get back so many responses about how cute I look in the comments section and how my horrid facial hair actually looked good on me.

*Armflail*

Here's the photo. The 'beard' was more or less me unable to shave due to finals week... it seems to be a common trend -_-;

Compared with the most latest picture of me (taken a semester after the other one) and you can see some sort of progress atleast in facial expression.

Still, sort of the fact that people like me when I have facial hair is kinda weird. I mean, don't get me wrong, but my male self is pretty hot... I just don't wanna be him anymore, you know?

Hmm. Like I explained, its finals week and I just finished a buncha papers by staying up super late. How late you ask? Late enough where I saw the SUN RISE for the first time in years. I forgot how blinding the sun actually is.

Anyway, I'm sort of like a zombie right now, but its all good. Just one more class to finish up and I'm done.... until finals x.x

I'm still alive too!

Hey everyone,

I've been posting less then Cath so just an update on whats been happening with me.

I've been kinda down but trying a number of things to perk up my spirits. I've been insanely lazy with my uni work and thus I know I will suffer in the next couple of weeks. My own fault but meh I'm just gonna have to work ten times as hard now.


I got my hair cut yesterday. Looks and feels awesome and is probably the shortest I've had since I was a kid. I haven't done too great on my weight lose either so am gonna sign up to weight watchers to see if they can help me out as I lost quite a bit last time I used them. I just need that extra little bit of help.

I went to a friends party right at the beginning of the month. I knew that the other FtM I have mentioned before was going to be there so decided to make an effort to at least talk to him. Though we didn't talk much I know they at least like the same kinda hentai I like to kudos to that XD.
I had fun pretty much until the end of the night. I was getting to that state of drunk where it just made you tired and we started playing a game of super munchkin (yeah it was a geek party). I didn't understand the game fully and ended up being the only one who didn't have a chance to win and I was too tired to really make an effort. I could see the other FtM (by the way I'm just saying 'The other FtM' because I don't want to mention names, not because I'm being rude) was being referred to as 'him' by a lot of people. Every time some referred to me as 'she' (especially this one guy who seem to be very rude to me just because I was female!) it felt like nails down a chalk board. I just wanted to get out. When the game finally finished (freaking 2 hours later!) I went back to my flat and cried like a fucking baby. I felt so shit, though I was probably a little drunk still.

I feel pretty lost at the moment. Do I want this or not? It's obvious I do but am I willing to lose the love I have of my family or Nigel. I think my family would understand...my mum would understand..my dad would probably take longer. I think the best thing to be would be to let them know...some way..just how I'm feeling and that I'm dealing with whether to change or not. Nigel would be different..because he wants a girlfriend..not a boyfriend. I think I might direct him to this blog. Just to let him know what I'm going through as I have been kinda snappy with him lately. I sometimes feel I can be dealing with staying the way I am and I sometimes get myself into thinking I could find happiness in being a woman if I tried. I sometimes feel this is just something that I've thought of..the next crazy thing to go on in my mind. But since 2006 I think I've been feeling this way and there are signs of it all through my life.

I'm addicted to Second Life at the moment. Nigel says it's because it portrays something that I want to be in real life but I can't unless I make changes...and he's so right it makes me sick.

Lets try and lose some weight first...and get some work done.

Manny signing out :) Until next time.

Alive

Hey all, sorry for the long absence.

Just incase your all wondering, things with that one girl just kept getting worse and worse. I don't really wanna talk about it, so I just.... erased her from this blog.

Anyway, finals are coming up and I have been super busy/just plain stupid. Just for a rough draft I decided to pull two all nighters in a row, which whipped me in terms of energy. Really, I'm draggin' right now. Its all good though, there was a test that was going to happen today which got canceled on the spot- I'm sure I would have failed it based on my sleepiness and my lack of a grasp on the subject material. Regardless, I SHOULD sleep well this weekend.

Had day of silence today, and I was quiet pretty much all day except for my counselor meeting.... Quite successful if I might say so myself. Its amazing how good I am at keeping quiet....

Just basically telling you all that I'm still alive, and.... it may be the sleep deprivation.... but every time I look in the mirror I see glimpses of a girl looking back, only to loose it. I can still kind of see her, in a way. Its weird.

Popular Cath is Popular

Yeah, so, I haven't been getting to bed at reasonable hours, and I haven't really been keeping up in my studies.

Granted, I have had some bad allergies lately and had to miss out on a couple classes... bleh. I've been more or less taking it easy, there's nothing really going on for me for Easter.

The last couple of counselor sessions have been interesting to say the least. Its all actually really private and... I don't want to say anything except its sorta gotten me teary-eyed whenever I thought about what we brought up. Like, as of late we've been doing a 'Gender Timeline' of all the stuff that has happened thus far in my life. We've been bouncing back and forth from my early childhood to my emotionless middle school years. It gets kind of tough when your living all those stinky times over and over... Its almost like school doesn't exist anymore- I just go to my counselor meetings and get shaken up :/

Kitacon and Nigel

Professor Layton getting his groove thang on!

I'm back from Kitacon and I have a raging cold from a little too much partying ^_^; I had an awesome time though felt I was missing out on something. Normally at conventions I'm more talkative but felt myself very shy to talk to new people. I spent a lot of time with SJ and Liv which I enjoyed but really wish I used the time to get to know new people.

I ran the yaoi panel which seemed to go down well. Maybe a little bit more porn next time as that seems to be what they want at 11 o' clock in the evening XD Not many yaois out there that do constant porn (Sensitive Pornography is one good example) but meh! What ya gonna do? Everyone seem to have fun...well most :>


One FtM I have heard a lot about from friends was around this weekend. I briefly talked to him by the lifts in the hotel but couldn't help the amount of jealousy I had for that person. When in full cosplay he looked just like any other crossplayer but once out of costume and into normal clothes he looked really good. He's recognized as a guy something I know I won't be for a very long time! As far as I know he's on hormones and I really should make an effort to talk to him more about things (Seeing as he's friends with a bunch of my friends). I let my envy and pride get the better of me and also don't want to seem like that person that goes "Oh we're both trannys! Lets be friend!"


A lot of people did think I was a guy though which lighten my mood. Even to one gopher saying about me to my friend before I went into the dealers room "hang on I need to see his badge first!" The guy was a douche though he'd seen me like a billion times that day! ¬_¬


I haven't talked much about my transsexualism to friends. I've sort of shyed away from it for two reasons. First reason being I don't think many people believe I'm serious. When I know deep down that I really am I've always used comedy and a non serious attitude to make myself more approachable to people. Hence when I do say something serious I think people don't believe me or don't quite know how to react. I also don't want to think me making such a dramatic statement for attention or anything.


Second I think too much of my boyfriend Nigel. While at home with Liv, he pointed to a picture of me when I was about 19 and said "Look it's Jen when she use to be a girl". Though it was funny my heart sank a little. I don't want Nigel thinking I don't care about his feelings in this whole crazy load of shit I'm going through. I've heard a lot of couples being about to accept their partners change and though I'm sure Nigel would understand I don't think he would want to stay with me. That hurts much more then never being male. I fear losing him so much...that is the only thing that worries me. He loves me for who I am but physical attraction is still very important in a relationship. Probably the reason why he likes me is because I'm a guy in a girl's body but he couldn't be with a guy and I wouldn't want him to pretend he's gay just to stay with me...and I feel he would.


I've got to make some positive changes to myself. First off I'm losing weight! I have been losing a little weight but only veeeerrryy little. I can lose more if I focus. Gonna buy some scales tomorrow to have in my room and run a little weight watchers thing with myself. Thighs and boobs will hopefully go down which will make crossdressing easier.


I've started wearing make up again. I just wore some power cover up for the dark rings under my eyes but find a little bit of eyeliner makes me look well...less dead. I've always believed that make up can be worn feminine or masculine. I thought it best to stay away from it to show I was following that male stereotype...now I'd rather just look good lol!

Ok time to get some sleep and get over this freakin cold *sniff*

Manny signing out!

Robert Culp

Robert Culp

August 16, 1930 - March 24, 2010

Ok, some of you may not know this, but by far one of my favorite videogame series out there is Half Life, particularly Half Life 2. I played the game so much that I particularly know every in an out of the game- every nook and cranny and every hidden weapon stash and the like. I would play this game whenever I felt down, and its always cheered me up... its a therapy thing, I guess :P

Anyway, I also memorized every single line of the villan Wallace Breen, who appeared in Half Life 2. Recently the actor who voiced his seductive lines of evilness died, as informed to me by Valve themselves in this statement:

"We were deeply saddened to learn of the death of actor Robert Culp on March 24, 2010. We were fortunate enough to work with Culp during the making of Half-Life 2, when he wrestled invisible headcrabs, expressed a passionate interest in animation, and taught us all how to bring a character to life from words on a page, as he voiced one of gaming's most beloved villains, Dr. Wallace Breen. He will be missed. "

Truely, he will be missed.

I think I'm due for a Half Life 2 run through in his honor~

Bra adventure

Hey, sorry you all, I forgot to mention my little adventure with my bra.

Alright, as some of you know, I do a lot of research about a lot of different things. I research them until I couldn't research them any further, so, similarly I researched how to put on bras :)

Hook in front, spin it around to the back, and then put the straps on. Easy stuff. Almost instantaniously I put the bra on, but... I couldn't figure out how to take it off (granted, I did put it on like a t-shirt... its sort of a reflex). So instead of doing the obvious thing and taking it off like you put on most bras, I tried other ways.

Ok, lets get my head out of here... no, my arms can't move then. Ok, howabout slide my arm... no... that won't work. Eventually I realized that I could just lower the straps and take it off that way >.>
Still, it didn't take me too long to figure out, just about 3 minutes in all. It was pretty funny though :P

-Cath

Leather, Cloth, and Silicone

Hey, long time no see people. While Manny is off at a convention and hosting a Yaoi panel, I figured I'd post something as to how my week went. Over all it was fairly good, and I made some great headway on my 'slow and steady wins the race' method to transitioning ;D

A little while ago I bought a woman's wallet and a three-pack of sports bras. The wallet and bras both came this week- several days before they were actually supposed to arrive. I was absolutely tickled :).

The wallet works fantastically; I can place all my credit cards in there very well and its very secure. I really do like it. I cleaned out my old wallet, which was essentially filled with crap. I can't possibly imagine how having a purse would turn out for me... granted how much crap I've seemed to accumulate in a little wallet given its 2 year life span. Anyway, while digging around I managed to find some old school ID's, which I have shown numerous people, all of whom say I look older in them, despite them being from 2007. I'm even in a tux in one... god that was a bad experience. But yes, apparently I'm fairly photogenic too :P

This also relates to the picture I shared with you all in my previous post... most people whom I've shown it to thought I was absolutely adorable, and I have to agree! I'm getting this weird narcissist feeling toward my male self xD

Oh, and I found my old condom that I had in my wallet.


...


Moving on!
The bras also came in the mail, which I almost instantaneously tried out. They fit great, as expected since I've done some extensive research since I was a wee lad. I'm a 40A, and with my homemade breast forms, they're about a 40B. Happily I snagged out my forms, only to find that one has ruptured and started spilling rice all over the place... sad day :(
Thankfully though they stayed together long enough for me to enjoy looking at my reflection :3

In other news, my break cables broke at the most inconvenient time EVER. They snapped just as I was trying not to crash into this old woman. I was going down a stretch of sidewalk that curves in such a way that its hard to see over the shrubbery. She didn't see me, and I didn't see her. I expected her to have gotten out of my way before I got to her... but no such luck. I tried to break, but the cable snapped. I had no time to stop with the other break. To my right was a steep hill and a row of parked cars, to my left was thick thorny shrubbery. I smacked into her- she screamed as my handlebars plowed into her torso.

Long-ish story short. I said "OMG I'm so sorry" and she kept going on about her husband while I kept asking if she wanted to go to the clinic or something. Her husband eventually showed up, an old man with a cool beard and a cane... he spoke Portuguese to her for a second, and they decided to go to sit down for a second. When I asked if they would like me to accompany them, he said no. So I got off scott free, despite me feeling terrible about it all day. I swear I went back to my old frightened child stage of my life, back when I was scorned from doing anything but being feminine. God that day sucked...

Then my bras came, and everything was alright :) I also made a new Facebook for myself, where I could happily be myself without fearing that my father may see, or that I'd somehow be scorned for doing so. Still, I'm having fun with it.
I also recently bought some breast forms an an outfit for laters... while also getting a present for my mother's birthday, which is coming up soon.

Thats roughly what happened this week, sorry if it seemed a bit rushed, but I didn't wanna bog you all down with text again.

Loves,
Cath

Feminine

Cath age 18, June 2008. Grand Tetons National Park, Wyoming.

Happy birthday Manny! Hope you have fun at your pre-birthday drinking fest ;D

Since he briefly touched on masturbation (or, atleast referenced it in the best quote ever)- "I find crying a good release of tension...a lot like wanking just less fun and more accepted if you do it in public." I thought I'd briefly touch on it as well. Not sure if I touched on it earlier (probably did), masturbation freaks me out a little, so it was suggested to me by my SL mate, Kyr, that I should just imagine masturbating as a girl with girl organs and everything. I have yet to try it out but I have tested it out briefly, and its certainly promising :)

Earlier this week I had some self doubts about if I reeeeally could pull off passing as a girl... you know, the usual gist. But that feeling was kicked in the head when a good friend of mine said that theres a lot of difference between passing and being an airbrushed model. This, of course is true. I don't really need to look like one of those models- they're essentially fake, and besides, my main goal with doing all of this is to feel better about myself- to hell with anyone who says that I look like a dude in a dress. As long as I'm happy and as long as I have limbs to beat the crap out of anyone who says that (in a very lady-like way), I'll make it in this world just fine :D

Going off of this tangent, I just got back from my counselor meeting today, and it was promising. I've been going to the same woman since my freshman year, so I've been seeing her nearly every week for about 2 years now. She commented that I look... better. She said I looked more feminine in my facial expressions -my eyes are more open, I smile more, my body language is different, and my face looks more relaxed- and I just look happier. That really made me happy ^_^

I showed her my school ID from my freshman year. I doubt she'd remember how I looked. In the photo I have extremely short hair and a goatee. You can see an example of this in the blogpost... and to be honest it is one of my favorite photos of myself, despite the situation in which it was taken (sucky vacation).

Anyway, we made some basic headway in terms of my gender identity and the possibility that my parents may have actually given me a choice as to what gender I wanted to be. That or my mother just threw out contradictory statements ...like saying that my waistline is exactly where the female waistline is, or commenting about something similarly in this fashion. I don't want to get too far into it, but I do have a suspicious scar 3 inches above my genitals and runs about 7 inches long. My parents have said that it was a hernia, but the scars simply don't match with any other hernia scars which I have seen, so... yeah. I suspect tomfoolery. Perhaps I'm actually inter-sexed. I honestly don't know.

For you people who think 'Omg, she just gave away personal info about herself on the internets!'... I simply don't care. If your looking at this post, then me or Manny linked you to it, meaning that your cool in our eyes ;D

In other news, I managed to find a three-pack of sports bras for about $10 online, and I also purchased a woman's wallet, due to the fact that my old wallet just bit the dust. Its a male wallet, but it still functioned alright, and it did cost my grandparents a pretty penny when I graduated back in 2008. The seams are ripping, and, well its overall round in shape. I'm hoping to get something thinner.

I just started another Dungeons and Dragons game too. We had to make character sheets over at a friends house and we just did the awkward introductions. One thing that kinda bothered me was that I generally play female characters (duh), but this time I wasn't allowed to. The comment "Play as your own genders" just threw me for a loop. Surely the GM meant "SEX", not gender... but gender is listed on the character sheets... so, I donno. I have to play as a guy, and overall I'm a bit bored about it. If I'm going to play a game, I'm going to escape the world, not live my life as a seafaring ranger with monks and magic users upon his ship >.>

I kinda get the point. Saves confusion when referring to people in the correct pronoun. But STILL.

Till next adventure!
-Cath

Almost 25...

I turn 25 on Sunday. I usually like the day surrounding my birthday as it's when the sun starts shining, flowers start popping up, you don't have to wear a big stuffy coat all the time...just plan good times. I suffer from S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I usually find the winter weather, constant rain and dark days bum me out a lot. As soon as the sun comes out I find myself feeling I can do most things.

I'm still off my pill at the moment. I'm not sure if the recently drama I've been involved with or the lack of lady hormones is making me angry and slightly pissy. I pushed myself to go and see a sad film yesterday and cried my eyes out which made me feel somewhat better. I find crying a good release of tension...a lot like wanking just less fun and more accepted if you do it in public.

I haven't been wearing my binder a lot recently. Due to the fact that I only have one and it's starting to get a bit whiffy. I have to wait till I go home to use my nice safe washing machine instead of ruining it in the communal washing machines. I has been wearing it today though and I always feel happier and more confident walking around without my boobs flopping over the place. I also got myself a nice grey top for going out tonight for my pre birthday drinks. Should be good.

Had a session with my counsellor on Wednesday. The sessions never seem to have any structure and I talked a lot about how I care much more about boyfriend then actually getting the changes. I am putting my foot down about children though. Not having any. And when I have more money I will be having breast reduction..if not all the way down. I think I will be so much happier if I had no boobs.

I really want to start exercising again to get rid of my big thighs. They are the only other thing that makes me look lady like (boo to curves).

That's about it. Speaking of conventions from Cath's last post I'll be heading to Kitacon on the 26th of March. Should be great :D

Megacon

Thank you so much Manny for sharing! It was majorly enlightening- so many parallels with me :)

I did have some confusion with gender when I was a child- confusing my dad with my mom oftentimes, but still, I feel that this is a topic that we've already been over this well traveled path... >.>

This weekend has been my first ever 3 day convention adventure! Granted I wasn't crossplaying (cosplaying as the other sex), but I am warming up to the idea for sure :) This weekend I went as a Vault Dweller from Fallout (as I mentioned previously) and it was pretty cool... except my bag hurt my shoulder like HELL x.x . My roommate still hasn't gotten back from spring break yet... so I decided to see how my cosplay looked like with my breast forms. They look pretty awesome and hardly noticeable... interesting prospect for a future cosplay. Not sure how they'd hold up to how hot the suit actually was, but still.

Anyway, I went to the con and while I was over in Artist alley I managed to pick up a few comics from this really awesome independent artist. Literally within a few moments of walking up to her booth I bought a $9, 200 paged graphic novel book from a woman's who's stories or work I hardly ever seen. Lucky me, it was a major score! For ages I've been looking for a great sort of deep romantic story... and I got one with this book, Festering Romance by Renee Lott http://fridgewithfeet.com/ . I went back the next day and bought some pins of the characters from the story as well as some little comic books she had. She apparently was sharing the booth with someone else, so I deduced that her stuff was pretty awesome, so as such his would be too- and I was right! You can see his stuff at the link above.

After that book charged up my desire to read a romantic story, I decided to hit up a manga booth. I picked up Ren-ne by Rumiko Takahashi (from Ranma 1/2) and Kimikiss... a girly romantic manga that made me blush like mad when I thumbed through it. I have no idea who did it and don't really care.

I abstained from looking at any henti games or stuff... preferably I'd have liked to see some dating sims where it involved men instead of girls, but thats just me. I had a few other missions (find a wallet, moar independent comic books, and so on) but failed, but its alright. I ended up getting one of those Peruvian hats with fox ears on the top, wore it around all day :)

Its absolutely interesting. I have a fairly large head, so finding hats never really worked for me. I didn't know if the foxie hat would fit- but damn if fit like a glove! I felt instantly cuddly and feminine. It was totally awesome. Whenever I wear my hoodie its a similar feeling :) I also saw a ton of guys crossplaying, which makes me even more confident to try it out later on. Some passed well, and others were blatantly obvious, but it was alright :) I am seriously interested in how Anime conventions skew social norms like that, and why couldn't real life be like a convention?

I digress. I had some great talks with my friend, who I will call Lee, who I shuttled around to the con and back. Throughout the drive, she mentioned how I have seriously grown up since she's known me back in freshman year. A few months back I told her about my transexualism, to which she replied that it was sorta obvious. It was kind of a let down, but it proves that I was true to myself in realizing it, and how kind it was for her not to really mention it to me until I got it myself. Over the last few months I've stopped drinking, masturbating, stopped looking for love in outside sources, and explored my sexuality. According to Lee it makes me more dynamic- like a protagonist instead of an NPC. We talked about boys and all kinds of things on those rides. It really makes me smile.

Over the weekend I periodically shuttled around a guy (who I will call Jay), who just doesn't like to be hugged by guys. He, for all I assume, thought I was straight, and made numerous references to girls and 'picking up chicks', to which I sorta mumbled something about picking up guys. It shocked him at first, but he overall went with it- Lee even corrected him some times to drive the point home (and I can't thank her enough for it!). Not that I'm really interested in Jay, its just nice to have someone like Lee to back me up :)

Another topic that was brought up by Lee was the fact that eventually (hopefully by summertime) I'll have to come out to my parents as multiple things: "Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. I like men, but I'm not gay." I won't seriously say that, but its generally what the conversation would boil down to. Lee understood what I meant. I'd rather not say my sexuality, just because it may fluctuate soon.

What should be discussed is the fact of sexuality and transexualism. While both are linked, sexuality can vary based on numerous factors. While I have yet to actually do this, I'm just saying I'm a straight girl for now until my preferences change later on. Horomones, so I'm told, have a factor on it, as well as... preference and social norms. I generally see social norms as peer pressure.

Anywho, I have heard a lot of things from a lot of newly found out transexuals who worry about their sexual preference. Every time its brought up the phrase (or something similar): "Figure out if you are trans first, fix it, and then worry about sexuality later. Just put it on the back burner" is brought up to rebuttal it. Its fairly true, if you get caught up with the minor detail of your sexuality your going to miss out the broader picture- Whether or not if you are trans or not. Deal with that first, and don't really care or get freaked out if you start digging guys or girls more- its all part of learning about yourself, which is really what transitioning is all about.

Til next time-
Cath

Cousin's Engagement Party and my Mum.

One thing I hate is dressing up. Any sort of fancy do where I have to make an effort sends shivers down my spine.

My cousin and his fiance are having a big masked ball engagement party. Last I heard they could barely afford the wedding but meh! I was like shit, a dress! I'm gonna be forced into a dress AGAIN! I actually feel more transsexual when I'm in a dress. Like with make up, I feel like a bad drag act. I can normally avoid this by wearing a nice shirt with lady's trousers but dress code is women in dresses. My mum however is being awesome about this and buying me a suit. Not having to wear a dress would make me feel much more comfortable. I may even go fot a tail coat. XD

I think my mum has guessed that I'm more then a tomboy. Especially now that I'm at university. I asked her what she thought if I had my hair cut even shorter. Her response was "Well then you would look like a boy." This made me smile inside a bit. I think she gets it but is waiting for me to tell her. I want to tell my parents sooner rather then later. Then it's not such a huge surprise when or if I do start transitioning. It's still hard though. I feel I need more proof then just how I feel to make them see it's true. I'm glad I got her some nice gifts for mother's day now.

- Manny

Cath on top

Hey all, thought I'd send out a quick little update before I go to Megacon in a Fallout Vault-dweller :)

One thing I'd like to touch on in respects to my background is my un-fondness of sex and all things sexually related. If you'll excuse the little joke in the title- referring to myself as male- then we can continue.

For little over 9 or so years, from middleschool up until freshman year of college, I've been trying to get a date and get into a suitable relationship... to, of course, fit into the social norm that guys are supposed to date and grow facial hair. Yes, all 3 of my ID's have me with some sort of facial hair- the most being a goatee.

But I digress. This, of course, is very hard for me as all I ever seem to think about is not sex, but rather cuddling and hugs and stuff. So I'd have this very naive outlook on relationships and refuse to think about sex. There's a few more subtle things going along with this, but thats basically the entire gyst of it all.

Anyway, over the years I've asked out little over 35 people, all of whom rejected me. Lemme tell you: this did wonders for my self-esteem and really fueled the depression that had been running since the age of 12. Again, I was naive about it all, and they assumed (I think) all I wanted was sex.

It wasn't until I recently look back at the entire situation that... I really have no idea how to handle sex besides "Put that there and pelvic thrust". After occasionally reading henti and yaoi/yuri I'd often get confused. "Your supposed to talk?" "How do they know they should get nakee?" and so on.

In fact I really don't even wanna think about intercourse, lest I get filled with anxiety. Seriously, its intense. It just too much pressure for me. Hell, I realize that over the years (and still recently) didn't even pick up on any of the social cues (the ones where girls were actually attracted to me... go figure)- so all of the relationships I could have had I missed due to my lack of awareness. For 9 years I was basically hopelessly trying to find happiness from an outside source instead of one within me... to feel good about myself as who I really am- Catherine.

Of course just as I was coming out trans there was this massive self-hatred focused upon myself. I'd ask people that "If there was a clone of yourself standing next to you- s/he is EXACTLY you down to every thought you've ever had, would you be friends with it?" Most people say yes. I'd always say no, and in fact hate it. I've... gotten better in that department ^_^;

Anyway, back on topic, I didn't even masturbate until age 18, and even there I got bored (and it got bored) of it easily. Even it -although it brought me pleasure- also brought me some emotional guilt and regret. I couldn't place it at the time, but the whole feeling obviously stemmed from my transsexualism.

Hmm, I'm a bit scatterbrained when writing this, but I suppose thats what the point is. Get all of your thoughts down onto paper... or electronic paper.

Now this is a touchy subject. A few days ago I was sitting home alone in my room. Topless and in pj pants. If you must know why I was topless, I was trying out my new breast forms (and watching girlie anime), but it got really hot really fast... serves me right for not making the forms out of breathable material >.>

Er.... the pants were uncomfortable- so I took them off... I was going to bed soon enough anyway. My hands start wandering south. My brain has no inkling as to what is actually going on, but my body just starts playing with itself... and I eventually did masturbate after my brain eventually complied with my body (with a possible "UUGH. AGAIN?" reaction) and brought up porn on my computer.

God what a mistake.

Finished the job, I was just filled with absolute disgust. I could hardly look at myself. I go off to the bathroom to pee, but all I can do is stop myself (barely) from crying my eyes out. God I'm such a mess... I swore not to masturbate again, simply because I realized that it brought me no pleasure and I was just doing it because society tells me thats what normal guys do. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. *shutters*

I wanted to share this with you guys and gals... not really sure why. I hope Manny posts something to distract me from myself ;D

Manny's Intro

Guess it's my turn to do an intro!

Cath has already explained the blog so I'll jump in with talking about myself...so. Hi! I'm Manny, I'm 24 (nneeeaarlly 25) and I come from the UK. I'm currently in my 2nd year of Animation. Why I'm still in uni when I'm nearly 25? Well this is my first time a uni. I took my time deciding if I wanted to go to university and what I wanted to study. Like I really want a huge student loan hovering over my head without knowing I put it to good use.


Same with transitioning. I know a lot of transsexuals know for a certain fact they want change now and that's fine. However as much as I would like the change I have lots of factors in my life to get straight and close people in my life I might lose if I make these changes. Don't get me wrong, you give me the choice to be a guy when I wake up tomorrow and I would be jump for joy but knowing this is not possible and I'll have to go through a lot to achieve a body that's almost but not quite...needs a lot of thinking about.

Lets talk about history. I've grown up in the same house all my life. I had my Dad, Mum and older brother. I was always quite quiet mostly keeping to myself or just playing with my toys. I just loved using my imagination. I never wanted dolls or barbies though I did have a strong liking to animals so had lots of animal toy (I'm surprised I'm not furry lol). Though we argued me and my brother were pretty close. I didn't really have many friends and just kept myself as the loner kid most of the time. I had plenty of male cousins who I would see a lot of the time. Why they could take their t-shirts off and run around but I couldn't always confused me as a child.



I had no confusion over gender though. I knew my difference between boys and girls. This was brought to my attention with the whole "Do you know the difference between boys and girls" and then the pull down of the pants. This was also followed by "Do you know how babies are made?" with a forced demonstration. This wasn't the only time and wow...that fucked up my early teens and teenage years. Thanks for that!

My childhood wasn't all that bad. I had one close friend and I had a good family life. I hated school but who doesn't as a kid? I hit puberty pretty early. I started getting breasts when I was 11. My period started a few months later. I was intensely frighten and told my mum. She seemed angry about the whole thing. Both my mum and dad were out that night but not doing the same thing. My dad was playing badminton and my mum was mostly likely carrying on her affair she was having at that time. Well at least this is what I'm lead to believe. I hope not. Who would leave their only daughter to go through a scary part in their live just for their own selfish needs. I cried that whole night. No-one else was going through this because I started young.

I was in secondary school now. I spent most of it by myself and I was bullied a lot. My parents split up and I stayed with my dad and my brother. Although my mother only lived a few minutes away it was still hard to see her, what with her having a new family and my father's constant guilt treatments. Soon he realised, because my mother did everything for us, that the house was getting dirty and blamed it on my brother and I. I wanted to keep the peace and tried my best but my brother is equally as lazy as my father and they argued all the time. I gained a lot of weight and never washed or bathed. My body sickened me and I was so miserable. I felt I had nothing in common with friends I did talk to. All of them talking about when they would hit their periods when mine had already been flowing for a year. Wanting bigger boobs when I hated the fact I was already a size C by the time I was 12. I didn't feel any closer to guys either because I was bullied by the majority of them. I was a freak of nature. I remember being shouted at when I was 12 by some horrible creature (has two kids by the time she's 19 *snort*) that I should put on some make up. I thought to myself "Why? I'm fucking 12!!" I think I was 15 when I finally caved in and started wearing make up but not all the time. I felt like a bad drag act.

I guess it was round about then I wanted to start getting boys to notice me. I knew for a loooong time that I was bisexual but didn't know there was such a thing. I thought it was either straight or gay. Didn't know there was an in between. I think I called it 'biosexual' when I told a friend of mine. She still finds it funny to this day. I knew I found women attractive but never tried to pursue anyone. It was bad enough trying to find a guy who liked you let alone a girl. I conformed the way of the teenage girl. Also due to early experiences I though sex was the only way of someone showing they liked you but also having that intense fear of being pregnant when I was 10 has made me shit scared of the subject! It sounds so silly now but back then when you didn't understand and had no-one to talk to about it everything is so frightening.

I've grown up a lot since then. I've became better at making friends and socializing though I'm still pretty shy. My hair was long but I acted like a normal tom girl. I feel like my teenage years weren't even a part of who I really am. Like I was a completely different, fucked up, ball of fatty mess. I wish it never happened or I can at least forget it all existed.

I never went to uni when my friends did. I did 2 years of performing arts till I realised it wasn't for me. I gained more confidence from my boyfriend Nigel and started working part time which then turned to full time. Nigel didn't care who I was or how I acted. He loved me because of me. Though he does like to make it know how much he likes me in dark makeup *rolls eyes*. I worked as a lab technician, given a very unflattering uniform but it didn't bother me. It was like I could hide the fact that I was a woman and as long as I was busy then I was happy. Though I wasn't busy a lot of the time, most of the time I was left twiddling my thumbs and I felt useless and a waste of space. I started having break downs, not knowing where my life was going. I went for another job within the company I was with a got a as an I.T technician. This was great to begin but again as long as I was busy I was happy. Again this became something that would have it's long no work moments but having to look constantly busy made it stressful. I hated the people I worked with. Horrible, boring fat lazy pieces of shit who didn't have a shred of personality between them. It was also plain the see I was the only woman there. I HATED that because it was so obvious every single day and being in a work environment you had no choice but to conform to it. I became very depressed. I only had Nigel as friendly company and a few people I knew over the Internet. I was pretty lonely.

When I was 21 I signed up to my first anime convention. I had wanted to go to one for awhile and now with my own money and my own car I could sign up and go to one. I had been a huge fan of anime for a good few years but didn't have anyone to talk about it with. I made friends, I had an awesome time but most importantly I got to crossplay. This had been the first proper shred of Independence I had ever had (I was still living my guilt tripping, lazy, hypocritical father). I felt an immense amount of freedom and liberation from just that weekend. I quit my job the following summer, spending that whole year preparing myself to go back into college to do art and then hopefully onto university.

With this new sense of one self I started considering my gender. I felt more happier being accepted as a guy. I researched and it seemed like an exciting thing for me. I didn't want to label myself as transsexual straight away so I just said I was a cross dresser. But with my shape it's hard for me to get away with cross dressing. Once again I got all my hair cut off, I told Nigel about it and he seemed fine. I think the reason why he likes me is because I not a stereotypical girl though he still has his views that I'm not transgender. Things have just...developed over the time from then to me now in my 2nd year or university. It's gone from 'yeah that would be cool' to 'why the hell didn't I realise this sooner!'

Second Life has been a big influence on me (good and bad). I'll probably talk about it more in depth in another post as it has been a big help making these decisions. I also have a lot of factors that are holding me back. Though I don't like my parents as people I love them as parents and I feel I couldn't go through this without their somewhat approval. The most important factor is my boyfriend Nigel. I don't think he could be with me if I was to transition and losing him scares me much more then being known as a woman for all of my life.

This year has pretty much been the turning point. When I've started talking this seriously. I'm seeing a counsellor, I'm binding on a regular basis and making it known to people I am close friends with that I'm not happy being a woman. I don't really talk about it with Nigel though and my parents do not know. I guess my Mum has suspicions about it but my Dad like always is oblivious. As of recent I have gone off my birth control pill. I want to see any changes that might happen as I have been on it for the past 6 years. It's been a week now and I've only noticed a shortness in temper but then again if you've had the kinda week I've had you'd be pretty short tempered too. I've been getting a lot of headaches too but that might be due to my body getting use to not having the extra hormones. Besides that I feel ok.

This post is already pretty long so I'm gonna stop it here. Don't know if it's really explained much about why I feel I am transsexual but hopefully that will come with more posts. The past doesn't matter now anyway...I'm looking to the future.

Until next time :)
Manny