The last few of days have been a little hard. I came to a conclusion with my consellor that this was a direction I wanted to go in but the only way for me to go any further was atleast let one of my parents know but most importantly Nigel.
With the added stress of hand-ins and essays I found myself getting stupidly drunk and passing out in a pile of my own vomit (yummeh!). I believe I talked to my friends in a drunken ramble about wanting to be known as a guy but considoring I WAS outragously pissed I'm not sure they took me seriously.
I still don't feel any better though. I've been losing weight which I really proud of and have been keeping to the diet. Just nothing seems to be cheering me up and I blame this fully on my period. It's pretty intense this month and I can't seem to get rid of the sense of self loathing.
Today was my last session with my consellor. The uni only allows you up to 6 sessions and anymore if you feel them nesserary. She's been really god help to me recognising what I need to do next. I finally got over my fear or looking more into FtMs and got 'The boy who was born a girl' from the libary. I felt incredably connected to the main focus in the documentary and the information about hormone treatment and packing was also very interesting. I can get something that will let me pee while standing up? WIN!
While I find so much excitment in learning these new things and thinking this could be more then me considoring I'm also pretty afraid to tell Nigel and my family. I think I will have to show Nigel this blog. It's the only way I can get him to somewhat believe that I'm not just doing this for a laugh. After that we can talk about it and see where we stand. I will most likely tell my Mum before my dad...and probably in a written letter or e-mail of some sort. That way it isn't so awkard and I'm not completely bombarded with questions that I get all confused and lose my point. I get like that it it seems to come off I'm not as serious as it really is.
I wanna cry...just to get it out of my system!! Then after that I can slap some sense into myself and get on with it. I wish i could meet more FtM after watching the doc. Where are they all? >.>
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