I'm still alive too!

Hey everyone,

I've been posting less then Cath so just an update on whats been happening with me.

I've been kinda down but trying a number of things to perk up my spirits. I've been insanely lazy with my uni work and thus I know I will suffer in the next couple of weeks. My own fault but meh I'm just gonna have to work ten times as hard now.


I got my hair cut yesterday. Looks and feels awesome and is probably the shortest I've had since I was a kid. I haven't done too great on my weight lose either so am gonna sign up to weight watchers to see if they can help me out as I lost quite a bit last time I used them. I just need that extra little bit of help.

I went to a friends party right at the beginning of the month. I knew that the other FtM I have mentioned before was going to be there so decided to make an effort to at least talk to him. Though we didn't talk much I know they at least like the same kinda hentai I like to kudos to that XD.
I had fun pretty much until the end of the night. I was getting to that state of drunk where it just made you tired and we started playing a game of super munchkin (yeah it was a geek party). I didn't understand the game fully and ended up being the only one who didn't have a chance to win and I was too tired to really make an effort. I could see the other FtM (by the way I'm just saying 'The other FtM' because I don't want to mention names, not because I'm being rude) was being referred to as 'him' by a lot of people. Every time some referred to me as 'she' (especially this one guy who seem to be very rude to me just because I was female!) it felt like nails down a chalk board. I just wanted to get out. When the game finally finished (freaking 2 hours later!) I went back to my flat and cried like a fucking baby. I felt so shit, though I was probably a little drunk still.

I feel pretty lost at the moment. Do I want this or not? It's obvious I do but am I willing to lose the love I have of my family or Nigel. I think my family would understand...my mum would understand..my dad would probably take longer. I think the best thing to be would be to let them know...some way..just how I'm feeling and that I'm dealing with whether to change or not. Nigel would be different..because he wants a girlfriend..not a boyfriend. I think I might direct him to this blog. Just to let him know what I'm going through as I have been kinda snappy with him lately. I sometimes feel I can be dealing with staying the way I am and I sometimes get myself into thinking I could find happiness in being a woman if I tried. I sometimes feel this is just something that I've thought of..the next crazy thing to go on in my mind. But since 2006 I think I've been feeling this way and there are signs of it all through my life.

I'm addicted to Second Life at the moment. Nigel says it's because it portrays something that I want to be in real life but I can't unless I make changes...and he's so right it makes me sick.

Lets try and lose some weight first...and get some work done.

Manny signing out :) Until next time.