Cath on top

Hey all, thought I'd send out a quick little update before I go to Megacon in a Fallout Vault-dweller :)

One thing I'd like to touch on in respects to my background is my un-fondness of sex and all things sexually related. If you'll excuse the little joke in the title- referring to myself as male- then we can continue.

For little over 9 or so years, from middleschool up until freshman year of college, I've been trying to get a date and get into a suitable relationship... to, of course, fit into the social norm that guys are supposed to date and grow facial hair. Yes, all 3 of my ID's have me with some sort of facial hair- the most being a goatee.

But I digress. This, of course, is very hard for me as all I ever seem to think about is not sex, but rather cuddling and hugs and stuff. So I'd have this very naive outlook on relationships and refuse to think about sex. There's a few more subtle things going along with this, but thats basically the entire gyst of it all.

Anyway, over the years I've asked out little over 35 people, all of whom rejected me. Lemme tell you: this did wonders for my self-esteem and really fueled the depression that had been running since the age of 12. Again, I was naive about it all, and they assumed (I think) all I wanted was sex.

It wasn't until I recently look back at the entire situation that... I really have no idea how to handle sex besides "Put that there and pelvic thrust". After occasionally reading henti and yaoi/yuri I'd often get confused. "Your supposed to talk?" "How do they know they should get nakee?" and so on.

In fact I really don't even wanna think about intercourse, lest I get filled with anxiety. Seriously, its intense. It just too much pressure for me. Hell, I realize that over the years (and still recently) didn't even pick up on any of the social cues (the ones where girls were actually attracted to me... go figure)- so all of the relationships I could have had I missed due to my lack of awareness. For 9 years I was basically hopelessly trying to find happiness from an outside source instead of one within me... to feel good about myself as who I really am- Catherine.

Of course just as I was coming out trans there was this massive self-hatred focused upon myself. I'd ask people that "If there was a clone of yourself standing next to you- s/he is EXACTLY you down to every thought you've ever had, would you be friends with it?" Most people say yes. I'd always say no, and in fact hate it. I've... gotten better in that department ^_^;

Anyway, back on topic, I didn't even masturbate until age 18, and even there I got bored (and it got bored) of it easily. Even it -although it brought me pleasure- also brought me some emotional guilt and regret. I couldn't place it at the time, but the whole feeling obviously stemmed from my transsexualism.

Hmm, I'm a bit scatterbrained when writing this, but I suppose thats what the point is. Get all of your thoughts down onto paper... or electronic paper.

Now this is a touchy subject. A few days ago I was sitting home alone in my room. Topless and in pj pants. If you must know why I was topless, I was trying out my new breast forms (and watching girlie anime), but it got really hot really fast... serves me right for not making the forms out of breathable material >.>

Er.... the pants were uncomfortable- so I took them off... I was going to bed soon enough anyway. My hands start wandering south. My brain has no inkling as to what is actually going on, but my body just starts playing with itself... and I eventually did masturbate after my brain eventually complied with my body (with a possible "UUGH. AGAIN?" reaction) and brought up porn on my computer.

God what a mistake.

Finished the job, I was just filled with absolute disgust. I could hardly look at myself. I go off to the bathroom to pee, but all I can do is stop myself (barely) from crying my eyes out. God I'm such a mess... I swore not to masturbate again, simply because I realized that it brought me no pleasure and I was just doing it because society tells me thats what normal guys do. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. *shutters*

I wanted to share this with you guys and gals... not really sure why. I hope Manny posts something to distract me from myself ;D