Cath's Intro

Hello all, I am glad that you have decided to stumble upon our humble little blog. 'From Both Sides' is run by me and a lovely fellow by the name of Manny. We collectively decided to make this blog as a stream of consciousness of what its like to be on either side of the gender spectrum. The name of the blog itself refers to both our geographical location in relation to eachother- I am in America and Manny is in the United Kingdom- but its also a reference to the fact that I am a Male to Female Transexual, and he is a Female to Male Transexual.

We are both fairly new to the whole transitioning scene, and so we both decided to make this very blog :)

Alright, enough with me being official, let me get back to my more suitable happy self ;)
I am Catherine often referred to as Cath or just simply Cat, but I will also sometimes go by Cathy. I am a Sophomore in College, majoring in Theology and minoring in Studio art. I've dabbled quite a lot in a ton of different kinds of arts over the years, ranging from sculpture to graphic design... I'm told I'm pretty good ;D

Still, I digress. From an early age I showed a desire to be feminine, despite my outward sex. When I was still in elementary school I played frequently with girls until they decided to kick me out of their social group for being a boy... and boys don't play 'House' (except for Hugh Laurie ;P). So I sorta settled for boy friends. In middle school I was constantly called gay due to events beyond my control seemingly conspiring against me... I... became sort of homophobic because of this. I didn't wanna be associated with anything gay because that would have opened up a whole can of worms. I became emotionally distant during this time period... doing my damnedest to be a male. At age 10 I was exposed to the idea of transexualism... researching it extensively throughout my pre-teens. Experimenting.

To be honest this is a tough time period for me to talk about, but its sort of necessary for me to talk about, so you- the reader- know where I'm coming from. Basically middle and high school sucked. By the age of 12 I slowly slipped into a state of depression. At the time I had no idea why... but its blatantly obvious now. Anyway. I constantly prayed to a God I hardly believed in that I'd be like Kafka and Metamorphosis into a girl. Even if it was just one day. I think thats partially why I lost all my faith and speak so ill of 'him' now.

Me and my family would take vacations out west ever since 2005. One such vacation landed me in San Fransisco in 2008. I, naturally being homophobic due to my own seemingly 'homosexual' past, was afraid of the gay people. After being there for a week or so... I realized that they were normal people like me... and I decided to look back on my life history to find out why I was so fearful of them as a whole. Overwhelming evidence of my homosexual tendencies reared their heads throughout my life, specifically throughout middle and high school... Apparently I repressed things. So I came out to myself as bisexual, researching the subject extensively on my computer (which was also the family computer <.< ) . I decided that I wouldn't make the jump to being solely gay or solely straight because of the fact that I still lacked any actual relationship... that and there was something that I missed. I still haven't had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, probably never will.

Anyway, I return from the vacation and my parents confronted me about 'if there was anything I had to tell them'. Obviously they were referring to my homosexuality... but it was too soon for me to tell them anything, so I lied. There wasn't anything I wanted to tell them. I told them that a girl (and my bbf) I had liked earlier that year (who was actually gay) had come out to me and that was why I was researching the subject. The stern look in my Father's face and my Mother's sorrowful look still burned in my eyes...

I went to college.

Far away from my parents. I explored my sexuality while at college, but nothing much came from it. In my sophomore year I was diagnosed with 'mild to severe' cases in depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies. It was true. I started taking herbal Rx to rid myself of my depression and to help with my atrocious memory...

When I was younger and when I would get really depressed I would think often about killing myself. Throwing myself into traffic, jumping off of something, getting into a car crash, or just getting beaten up by someone. However I would stop short because 'it wouldn't do the job', or I'd think about how much it would hurt. I know its grim to talk about it (I'm getting a little freaked out talking about it, to be honest) but... at the time I believed that death was my only solace. (I had been Buddhist briefly around my senior year of high school... and I believed in reincarnation, and overall I was hoping that if I were to live this sucky life... perhaps I'll end up in a female life next time. I have since abandoned this idea.) I just didn't want to hurt anymore, but I would never do it because I felt if I were to persevere through this life I would be somehow stronger. I was pretty hard headed... but I'm glad I didn't do it.

Long story short, my depression was lifted and looking back on my life, like I had in 2008, I realized that I was transexual. Although its only been 3 or 4 months, I've felt so good about myself. I'm smiling, laughing, and more importantly I'm liking myself more. Started to grow my hair out, sway my hips more, exaggerate some movements more, and overall accept my femininity to great enjoyment. I wish I had done it sooner, like when I was 10 and not when I was 20 ;D

Ever since my Freshman year in College I've been going to a counselor to talk about all of the above and more (there's quite a lot of things concerning my mother)... and she's helped me out quite a lot. Currently I'm doing a gender-timeline which is said to help me out and to find over arching patterns... which is more or less what I recited to you, albeit in a more skinned down version. Girl's gotta have some mystery ;D

Overall what I want from this blog is to see how much I will have grown throughout my transition and to give people a unique look at a FtM and a MtF's process through transition :)

This week I've been back at my parent's place for spring break. I initially thought it was going to be tortuous, as I had no idea how to contain my new part of myself from them... but they seem fairly accepting. When I rolled up in my car, the first thing my dad commented on was my lack of beard. I've yet to actually come out to them, but I have a feeling they've somehow known for years- before I even knew. My mother told me that my now longer hair was pretty, although it needed a trim (she's seem fixated upon this idea... for some reason). My dad commented that his hair was similar when he was my age... though different reasons, I'm sure ;D

I've owned toesocks ever since I've realized that I was trans... but I didn't realize that I was wearing them as I took off my shoes at my parents place. That could have easily turned into a mistake, but they laughed about it, saying that the striped toe socks looked good. I dared not show them my shaved legs... >.>

Later on in the week, I talked to my dad briefly about the story by Life & Style about Angelina Jolie 'turning' her 3 year old daughter Shiloh into a boy. She cut her hair shorter, wears boy clothes, and wants to be called John. The interwebs are all in a tizzy about it, claiming that girls don't know how to be girls or some inane garbage about that. Very few realize that John obviously wants to be a boy, and as such this is a transexual issue- nothing based on good or bad parenting. When I mentioned this to my father, he just claimed that she was gay. THATS ALL. Gee, thanks dad. Make me feel better about coming out to you, why dontcha? You can read the article here http://www.lifeandstylemag.com/2010/03/large-1011-cover.html.

Other news this week, I was able to make breast forms! I took a pair of undies that I never wore, cut them up- making two little pillows outta them, and then filled each with a half pound of rice. From here I took another pair of undies I had (I'm AWESOME at sewing btw) into a bra. The breast forms effectively gave me an awesome looking B-cup! Victory :D

Well, thats all for me.

Take care you all ;D
-Cath