Kitacon and Nigel

Professor Layton getting his groove thang on!

I'm back from Kitacon and I have a raging cold from a little too much partying ^_^; I had an awesome time though felt I was missing out on something. Normally at conventions I'm more talkative but felt myself very shy to talk to new people. I spent a lot of time with SJ and Liv which I enjoyed but really wish I used the time to get to know new people.

I ran the yaoi panel which seemed to go down well. Maybe a little bit more porn next time as that seems to be what they want at 11 o' clock in the evening XD Not many yaois out there that do constant porn (Sensitive Pornography is one good example) but meh! What ya gonna do? Everyone seem to have fun...well most :>


One FtM I have heard a lot about from friends was around this weekend. I briefly talked to him by the lifts in the hotel but couldn't help the amount of jealousy I had for that person. When in full cosplay he looked just like any other crossplayer but once out of costume and into normal clothes he looked really good. He's recognized as a guy something I know I won't be for a very long time! As far as I know he's on hormones and I really should make an effort to talk to him more about things (Seeing as he's friends with a bunch of my friends). I let my envy and pride get the better of me and also don't want to seem like that person that goes "Oh we're both trannys! Lets be friend!"


A lot of people did think I was a guy though which lighten my mood. Even to one gopher saying about me to my friend before I went into the dealers room "hang on I need to see his badge first!" The guy was a douche though he'd seen me like a billion times that day! ¬_¬


I haven't talked much about my transsexualism to friends. I've sort of shyed away from it for two reasons. First reason being I don't think many people believe I'm serious. When I know deep down that I really am I've always used comedy and a non serious attitude to make myself more approachable to people. Hence when I do say something serious I think people don't believe me or don't quite know how to react. I also don't want to think me making such a dramatic statement for attention or anything.


Second I think too much of my boyfriend Nigel. While at home with Liv, he pointed to a picture of me when I was about 19 and said "Look it's Jen when she use to be a girl". Though it was funny my heart sank a little. I don't want Nigel thinking I don't care about his feelings in this whole crazy load of shit I'm going through. I've heard a lot of couples being about to accept their partners change and though I'm sure Nigel would understand I don't think he would want to stay with me. That hurts much more then never being male. I fear losing him so much...that is the only thing that worries me. He loves me for who I am but physical attraction is still very important in a relationship. Probably the reason why he likes me is because I'm a guy in a girl's body but he couldn't be with a guy and I wouldn't want him to pretend he's gay just to stay with me...and I feel he would.


I've got to make some positive changes to myself. First off I'm losing weight! I have been losing a little weight but only veeeerrryy little. I can lose more if I focus. Gonna buy some scales tomorrow to have in my room and run a little weight watchers thing with myself. Thighs and boobs will hopefully go down which will make crossdressing easier.


I've started wearing make up again. I just wore some power cover up for the dark rings under my eyes but find a little bit of eyeliner makes me look well...less dead. I've always believed that make up can be worn feminine or masculine. I thought it best to stay away from it to show I was following that male stereotype...now I'd rather just look good lol!

Ok time to get some sleep and get over this freakin cold *sniff*

Manny signing out!