Kitacon and Nigel

Professor Layton getting his groove thang on!

I'm back from Kitacon and I have a raging cold from a little too much partying ^_^; I had an awesome time though felt I was missing out on something. Normally at conventions I'm more talkative but felt myself very shy to talk to new people. I spent a lot of time with SJ and Liv which I enjoyed but really wish I used the time to get to know new people.

I ran the yaoi panel which seemed to go down well. Maybe a little bit more porn next time as that seems to be what they want at 11 o' clock in the evening XD Not many yaois out there that do constant porn (Sensitive Pornography is one good example) but meh! What ya gonna do? Everyone seem to have fun...well most :>


One FtM I have heard a lot about from friends was around this weekend. I briefly talked to him by the lifts in the hotel but couldn't help the amount of jealousy I had for that person. When in full cosplay he looked just like any other crossplayer but once out of costume and into normal clothes he looked really good. He's recognized as a guy something I know I won't be for a very long time! As far as I know he's on hormones and I really should make an effort to talk to him more about things (Seeing as he's friends with a bunch of my friends). I let my envy and pride get the better of me and also don't want to seem like that person that goes "Oh we're both trannys! Lets be friend!"


A lot of people did think I was a guy though which lighten my mood. Even to one gopher saying about me to my friend before I went into the dealers room "hang on I need to see his badge first!" The guy was a douche though he'd seen me like a billion times that day! ¬_¬


I haven't talked much about my transsexualism to friends. I've sort of shyed away from it for two reasons. First reason being I don't think many people believe I'm serious. When I know deep down that I really am I've always used comedy and a non serious attitude to make myself more approachable to people. Hence when I do say something serious I think people don't believe me or don't quite know how to react. I also don't want to think me making such a dramatic statement for attention or anything.


Second I think too much of my boyfriend Nigel. While at home with Liv, he pointed to a picture of me when I was about 19 and said "Look it's Jen when she use to be a girl". Though it was funny my heart sank a little. I don't want Nigel thinking I don't care about his feelings in this whole crazy load of shit I'm going through. I've heard a lot of couples being about to accept their partners change and though I'm sure Nigel would understand I don't think he would want to stay with me. That hurts much more then never being male. I fear losing him so much...that is the only thing that worries me. He loves me for who I am but physical attraction is still very important in a relationship. Probably the reason why he likes me is because I'm a guy in a girl's body but he couldn't be with a guy and I wouldn't want him to pretend he's gay just to stay with me...and I feel he would.


I've got to make some positive changes to myself. First off I'm losing weight! I have been losing a little weight but only veeeerrryy little. I can lose more if I focus. Gonna buy some scales tomorrow to have in my room and run a little weight watchers thing with myself. Thighs and boobs will hopefully go down which will make crossdressing easier.


I've started wearing make up again. I just wore some power cover up for the dark rings under my eyes but find a little bit of eyeliner makes me look well...less dead. I've always believed that make up can be worn feminine or masculine. I thought it best to stay away from it to show I was following that male stereotype...now I'd rather just look good lol!

Ok time to get some sleep and get over this freakin cold *sniff*

Manny signing out!

Robert Culp

Robert Culp

August 16, 1930 - March 24, 2010

Ok, some of you may not know this, but by far one of my favorite videogame series out there is Half Life, particularly Half Life 2. I played the game so much that I particularly know every in an out of the game- every nook and cranny and every hidden weapon stash and the like. I would play this game whenever I felt down, and its always cheered me up... its a therapy thing, I guess :P

Anyway, I also memorized every single line of the villan Wallace Breen, who appeared in Half Life 2. Recently the actor who voiced his seductive lines of evilness died, as informed to me by Valve themselves in this statement:

"We were deeply saddened to learn of the death of actor Robert Culp on March 24, 2010. We were fortunate enough to work with Culp during the making of Half-Life 2, when he wrestled invisible headcrabs, expressed a passionate interest in animation, and taught us all how to bring a character to life from words on a page, as he voiced one of gaming's most beloved villains, Dr. Wallace Breen. He will be missed. "

Truely, he will be missed.

I think I'm due for a Half Life 2 run through in his honor~

Bra adventure

Hey, sorry you all, I forgot to mention my little adventure with my bra.

Alright, as some of you know, I do a lot of research about a lot of different things. I research them until I couldn't research them any further, so, similarly I researched how to put on bras :)

Hook in front, spin it around to the back, and then put the straps on. Easy stuff. Almost instantaniously I put the bra on, but... I couldn't figure out how to take it off (granted, I did put it on like a t-shirt... its sort of a reflex). So instead of doing the obvious thing and taking it off like you put on most bras, I tried other ways.

Ok, lets get my head out of here... no, my arms can't move then. Ok, howabout slide my arm... no... that won't work. Eventually I realized that I could just lower the straps and take it off that way >.>
Still, it didn't take me too long to figure out, just about 3 minutes in all. It was pretty funny though :P

-Cath

Leather, Cloth, and Silicone

Hey, long time no see people. While Manny is off at a convention and hosting a Yaoi panel, I figured I'd post something as to how my week went. Over all it was fairly good, and I made some great headway on my 'slow and steady wins the race' method to transitioning ;D

A little while ago I bought a woman's wallet and a three-pack of sports bras. The wallet and bras both came this week- several days before they were actually supposed to arrive. I was absolutely tickled :).

The wallet works fantastically; I can place all my credit cards in there very well and its very secure. I really do like it. I cleaned out my old wallet, which was essentially filled with crap. I can't possibly imagine how having a purse would turn out for me... granted how much crap I've seemed to accumulate in a little wallet given its 2 year life span. Anyway, while digging around I managed to find some old school ID's, which I have shown numerous people, all of whom say I look older in them, despite them being from 2007. I'm even in a tux in one... god that was a bad experience. But yes, apparently I'm fairly photogenic too :P

This also relates to the picture I shared with you all in my previous post... most people whom I've shown it to thought I was absolutely adorable, and I have to agree! I'm getting this weird narcissist feeling toward my male self xD

Oh, and I found my old condom that I had in my wallet.


...


Moving on!
The bras also came in the mail, which I almost instantaneously tried out. They fit great, as expected since I've done some extensive research since I was a wee lad. I'm a 40A, and with my homemade breast forms, they're about a 40B. Happily I snagged out my forms, only to find that one has ruptured and started spilling rice all over the place... sad day :(
Thankfully though they stayed together long enough for me to enjoy looking at my reflection :3

In other news, my break cables broke at the most inconvenient time EVER. They snapped just as I was trying not to crash into this old woman. I was going down a stretch of sidewalk that curves in such a way that its hard to see over the shrubbery. She didn't see me, and I didn't see her. I expected her to have gotten out of my way before I got to her... but no such luck. I tried to break, but the cable snapped. I had no time to stop with the other break. To my right was a steep hill and a row of parked cars, to my left was thick thorny shrubbery. I smacked into her- she screamed as my handlebars plowed into her torso.

Long-ish story short. I said "OMG I'm so sorry" and she kept going on about her husband while I kept asking if she wanted to go to the clinic or something. Her husband eventually showed up, an old man with a cool beard and a cane... he spoke Portuguese to her for a second, and they decided to go to sit down for a second. When I asked if they would like me to accompany them, he said no. So I got off scott free, despite me feeling terrible about it all day. I swear I went back to my old frightened child stage of my life, back when I was scorned from doing anything but being feminine. God that day sucked...

Then my bras came, and everything was alright :) I also made a new Facebook for myself, where I could happily be myself without fearing that my father may see, or that I'd somehow be scorned for doing so. Still, I'm having fun with it.
I also recently bought some breast forms an an outfit for laters... while also getting a present for my mother's birthday, which is coming up soon.

Thats roughly what happened this week, sorry if it seemed a bit rushed, but I didn't wanna bog you all down with text again.

Loves,
Cath

Feminine

Cath age 18, June 2008. Grand Tetons National Park, Wyoming.

Happy birthday Manny! Hope you have fun at your pre-birthday drinking fest ;D

Since he briefly touched on masturbation (or, atleast referenced it in the best quote ever)- "I find crying a good release of tension...a lot like wanking just less fun and more accepted if you do it in public." I thought I'd briefly touch on it as well. Not sure if I touched on it earlier (probably did), masturbation freaks me out a little, so it was suggested to me by my SL mate, Kyr, that I should just imagine masturbating as a girl with girl organs and everything. I have yet to try it out but I have tested it out briefly, and its certainly promising :)

Earlier this week I had some self doubts about if I reeeeally could pull off passing as a girl... you know, the usual gist. But that feeling was kicked in the head when a good friend of mine said that theres a lot of difference between passing and being an airbrushed model. This, of course is true. I don't really need to look like one of those models- they're essentially fake, and besides, my main goal with doing all of this is to feel better about myself- to hell with anyone who says that I look like a dude in a dress. As long as I'm happy and as long as I have limbs to beat the crap out of anyone who says that (in a very lady-like way), I'll make it in this world just fine :D

Going off of this tangent, I just got back from my counselor meeting today, and it was promising. I've been going to the same woman since my freshman year, so I've been seeing her nearly every week for about 2 years now. She commented that I look... better. She said I looked more feminine in my facial expressions -my eyes are more open, I smile more, my body language is different, and my face looks more relaxed- and I just look happier. That really made me happy ^_^

I showed her my school ID from my freshman year. I doubt she'd remember how I looked. In the photo I have extremely short hair and a goatee. You can see an example of this in the blogpost... and to be honest it is one of my favorite photos of myself, despite the situation in which it was taken (sucky vacation).

Anyway, we made some basic headway in terms of my gender identity and the possibility that my parents may have actually given me a choice as to what gender I wanted to be. That or my mother just threw out contradictory statements ...like saying that my waistline is exactly where the female waistline is, or commenting about something similarly in this fashion. I don't want to get too far into it, but I do have a suspicious scar 3 inches above my genitals and runs about 7 inches long. My parents have said that it was a hernia, but the scars simply don't match with any other hernia scars which I have seen, so... yeah. I suspect tomfoolery. Perhaps I'm actually inter-sexed. I honestly don't know.

For you people who think 'Omg, she just gave away personal info about herself on the internets!'... I simply don't care. If your looking at this post, then me or Manny linked you to it, meaning that your cool in our eyes ;D

In other news, I managed to find a three-pack of sports bras for about $10 online, and I also purchased a woman's wallet, due to the fact that my old wallet just bit the dust. Its a male wallet, but it still functioned alright, and it did cost my grandparents a pretty penny when I graduated back in 2008. The seams are ripping, and, well its overall round in shape. I'm hoping to get something thinner.

I just started another Dungeons and Dragons game too. We had to make character sheets over at a friends house and we just did the awkward introductions. One thing that kinda bothered me was that I generally play female characters (duh), but this time I wasn't allowed to. The comment "Play as your own genders" just threw me for a loop. Surely the GM meant "SEX", not gender... but gender is listed on the character sheets... so, I donno. I have to play as a guy, and overall I'm a bit bored about it. If I'm going to play a game, I'm going to escape the world, not live my life as a seafaring ranger with monks and magic users upon his ship >.>

I kinda get the point. Saves confusion when referring to people in the correct pronoun. But STILL.

Till next adventure!
-Cath

Almost 25...

I turn 25 on Sunday. I usually like the day surrounding my birthday as it's when the sun starts shining, flowers start popping up, you don't have to wear a big stuffy coat all the time...just plan good times. I suffer from S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I usually find the winter weather, constant rain and dark days bum me out a lot. As soon as the sun comes out I find myself feeling I can do most things.

I'm still off my pill at the moment. I'm not sure if the recently drama I've been involved with or the lack of lady hormones is making me angry and slightly pissy. I pushed myself to go and see a sad film yesterday and cried my eyes out which made me feel somewhat better. I find crying a good release of tension...a lot like wanking just less fun and more accepted if you do it in public.

I haven't been wearing my binder a lot recently. Due to the fact that I only have one and it's starting to get a bit whiffy. I have to wait till I go home to use my nice safe washing machine instead of ruining it in the communal washing machines. I has been wearing it today though and I always feel happier and more confident walking around without my boobs flopping over the place. I also got myself a nice grey top for going out tonight for my pre birthday drinks. Should be good.

Had a session with my counsellor on Wednesday. The sessions never seem to have any structure and I talked a lot about how I care much more about boyfriend then actually getting the changes. I am putting my foot down about children though. Not having any. And when I have more money I will be having breast reduction..if not all the way down. I think I will be so much happier if I had no boobs.

I really want to start exercising again to get rid of my big thighs. They are the only other thing that makes me look lady like (boo to curves).

That's about it. Speaking of conventions from Cath's last post I'll be heading to Kitacon on the 26th of March. Should be great :D

Megacon

Thank you so much Manny for sharing! It was majorly enlightening- so many parallels with me :)

I did have some confusion with gender when I was a child- confusing my dad with my mom oftentimes, but still, I feel that this is a topic that we've already been over this well traveled path... >.>

This weekend has been my first ever 3 day convention adventure! Granted I wasn't crossplaying (cosplaying as the other sex), but I am warming up to the idea for sure :) This weekend I went as a Vault Dweller from Fallout (as I mentioned previously) and it was pretty cool... except my bag hurt my shoulder like HELL x.x . My roommate still hasn't gotten back from spring break yet... so I decided to see how my cosplay looked like with my breast forms. They look pretty awesome and hardly noticeable... interesting prospect for a future cosplay. Not sure how they'd hold up to how hot the suit actually was, but still.

Anyway, I went to the con and while I was over in Artist alley I managed to pick up a few comics from this really awesome independent artist. Literally within a few moments of walking up to her booth I bought a $9, 200 paged graphic novel book from a woman's who's stories or work I hardly ever seen. Lucky me, it was a major score! For ages I've been looking for a great sort of deep romantic story... and I got one with this book, Festering Romance by Renee Lott http://fridgewithfeet.com/ . I went back the next day and bought some pins of the characters from the story as well as some little comic books she had. She apparently was sharing the booth with someone else, so I deduced that her stuff was pretty awesome, so as such his would be too- and I was right! You can see his stuff at the link above.

After that book charged up my desire to read a romantic story, I decided to hit up a manga booth. I picked up Ren-ne by Rumiko Takahashi (from Ranma 1/2) and Kimikiss... a girly romantic manga that made me blush like mad when I thumbed through it. I have no idea who did it and don't really care.

I abstained from looking at any henti games or stuff... preferably I'd have liked to see some dating sims where it involved men instead of girls, but thats just me. I had a few other missions (find a wallet, moar independent comic books, and so on) but failed, but its alright. I ended up getting one of those Peruvian hats with fox ears on the top, wore it around all day :)

Its absolutely interesting. I have a fairly large head, so finding hats never really worked for me. I didn't know if the foxie hat would fit- but damn if fit like a glove! I felt instantly cuddly and feminine. It was totally awesome. Whenever I wear my hoodie its a similar feeling :) I also saw a ton of guys crossplaying, which makes me even more confident to try it out later on. Some passed well, and others were blatantly obvious, but it was alright :) I am seriously interested in how Anime conventions skew social norms like that, and why couldn't real life be like a convention?

I digress. I had some great talks with my friend, who I will call Lee, who I shuttled around to the con and back. Throughout the drive, she mentioned how I have seriously grown up since she's known me back in freshman year. A few months back I told her about my transexualism, to which she replied that it was sorta obvious. It was kind of a let down, but it proves that I was true to myself in realizing it, and how kind it was for her not to really mention it to me until I got it myself. Over the last few months I've stopped drinking, masturbating, stopped looking for love in outside sources, and explored my sexuality. According to Lee it makes me more dynamic- like a protagonist instead of an NPC. We talked about boys and all kinds of things on those rides. It really makes me smile.

Over the weekend I periodically shuttled around a guy (who I will call Jay), who just doesn't like to be hugged by guys. He, for all I assume, thought I was straight, and made numerous references to girls and 'picking up chicks', to which I sorta mumbled something about picking up guys. It shocked him at first, but he overall went with it- Lee even corrected him some times to drive the point home (and I can't thank her enough for it!). Not that I'm really interested in Jay, its just nice to have someone like Lee to back me up :)

Another topic that was brought up by Lee was the fact that eventually (hopefully by summertime) I'll have to come out to my parents as multiple things: "Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. I like men, but I'm not gay." I won't seriously say that, but its generally what the conversation would boil down to. Lee understood what I meant. I'd rather not say my sexuality, just because it may fluctuate soon.

What should be discussed is the fact of sexuality and transexualism. While both are linked, sexuality can vary based on numerous factors. While I have yet to actually do this, I'm just saying I'm a straight girl for now until my preferences change later on. Horomones, so I'm told, have a factor on it, as well as... preference and social norms. I generally see social norms as peer pressure.

Anywho, I have heard a lot of things from a lot of newly found out transexuals who worry about their sexual preference. Every time its brought up the phrase (or something similar): "Figure out if you are trans first, fix it, and then worry about sexuality later. Just put it on the back burner" is brought up to rebuttal it. Its fairly true, if you get caught up with the minor detail of your sexuality your going to miss out the broader picture- Whether or not if you are trans or not. Deal with that first, and don't really care or get freaked out if you start digging guys or girls more- its all part of learning about yourself, which is really what transitioning is all about.

Til next time-
Cath

Cousin's Engagement Party and my Mum.

One thing I hate is dressing up. Any sort of fancy do where I have to make an effort sends shivers down my spine.

My cousin and his fiance are having a big masked ball engagement party. Last I heard they could barely afford the wedding but meh! I was like shit, a dress! I'm gonna be forced into a dress AGAIN! I actually feel more transsexual when I'm in a dress. Like with make up, I feel like a bad drag act. I can normally avoid this by wearing a nice shirt with lady's trousers but dress code is women in dresses. My mum however is being awesome about this and buying me a suit. Not having to wear a dress would make me feel much more comfortable. I may even go fot a tail coat. XD

I think my mum has guessed that I'm more then a tomboy. Especially now that I'm at university. I asked her what she thought if I had my hair cut even shorter. Her response was "Well then you would look like a boy." This made me smile inside a bit. I think she gets it but is waiting for me to tell her. I want to tell my parents sooner rather then later. Then it's not such a huge surprise when or if I do start transitioning. It's still hard though. I feel I need more proof then just how I feel to make them see it's true. I'm glad I got her some nice gifts for mother's day now.

- Manny

Cath on top

Hey all, thought I'd send out a quick little update before I go to Megacon in a Fallout Vault-dweller :)

One thing I'd like to touch on in respects to my background is my un-fondness of sex and all things sexually related. If you'll excuse the little joke in the title- referring to myself as male- then we can continue.

For little over 9 or so years, from middleschool up until freshman year of college, I've been trying to get a date and get into a suitable relationship... to, of course, fit into the social norm that guys are supposed to date and grow facial hair. Yes, all 3 of my ID's have me with some sort of facial hair- the most being a goatee.

But I digress. This, of course, is very hard for me as all I ever seem to think about is not sex, but rather cuddling and hugs and stuff. So I'd have this very naive outlook on relationships and refuse to think about sex. There's a few more subtle things going along with this, but thats basically the entire gyst of it all.

Anyway, over the years I've asked out little over 35 people, all of whom rejected me. Lemme tell you: this did wonders for my self-esteem and really fueled the depression that had been running since the age of 12. Again, I was naive about it all, and they assumed (I think) all I wanted was sex.

It wasn't until I recently look back at the entire situation that... I really have no idea how to handle sex besides "Put that there and pelvic thrust". After occasionally reading henti and yaoi/yuri I'd often get confused. "Your supposed to talk?" "How do they know they should get nakee?" and so on.

In fact I really don't even wanna think about intercourse, lest I get filled with anxiety. Seriously, its intense. It just too much pressure for me. Hell, I realize that over the years (and still recently) didn't even pick up on any of the social cues (the ones where girls were actually attracted to me... go figure)- so all of the relationships I could have had I missed due to my lack of awareness. For 9 years I was basically hopelessly trying to find happiness from an outside source instead of one within me... to feel good about myself as who I really am- Catherine.

Of course just as I was coming out trans there was this massive self-hatred focused upon myself. I'd ask people that "If there was a clone of yourself standing next to you- s/he is EXACTLY you down to every thought you've ever had, would you be friends with it?" Most people say yes. I'd always say no, and in fact hate it. I've... gotten better in that department ^_^;

Anyway, back on topic, I didn't even masturbate until age 18, and even there I got bored (and it got bored) of it easily. Even it -although it brought me pleasure- also brought me some emotional guilt and regret. I couldn't place it at the time, but the whole feeling obviously stemmed from my transsexualism.

Hmm, I'm a bit scatterbrained when writing this, but I suppose thats what the point is. Get all of your thoughts down onto paper... or electronic paper.

Now this is a touchy subject. A few days ago I was sitting home alone in my room. Topless and in pj pants. If you must know why I was topless, I was trying out my new breast forms (and watching girlie anime), but it got really hot really fast... serves me right for not making the forms out of breathable material >.>

Er.... the pants were uncomfortable- so I took them off... I was going to bed soon enough anyway. My hands start wandering south. My brain has no inkling as to what is actually going on, but my body just starts playing with itself... and I eventually did masturbate after my brain eventually complied with my body (with a possible "UUGH. AGAIN?" reaction) and brought up porn on my computer.

God what a mistake.

Finished the job, I was just filled with absolute disgust. I could hardly look at myself. I go off to the bathroom to pee, but all I can do is stop myself (barely) from crying my eyes out. God I'm such a mess... I swore not to masturbate again, simply because I realized that it brought me no pleasure and I was just doing it because society tells me thats what normal guys do. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. *shutters*

I wanted to share this with you guys and gals... not really sure why. I hope Manny posts something to distract me from myself ;D

Manny's Intro

Guess it's my turn to do an intro!

Cath has already explained the blog so I'll jump in with talking about myself...so. Hi! I'm Manny, I'm 24 (nneeeaarlly 25) and I come from the UK. I'm currently in my 2nd year of Animation. Why I'm still in uni when I'm nearly 25? Well this is my first time a uni. I took my time deciding if I wanted to go to university and what I wanted to study. Like I really want a huge student loan hovering over my head without knowing I put it to good use.


Same with transitioning. I know a lot of transsexuals know for a certain fact they want change now and that's fine. However as much as I would like the change I have lots of factors in my life to get straight and close people in my life I might lose if I make these changes. Don't get me wrong, you give me the choice to be a guy when I wake up tomorrow and I would be jump for joy but knowing this is not possible and I'll have to go through a lot to achieve a body that's almost but not quite...needs a lot of thinking about.

Lets talk about history. I've grown up in the same house all my life. I had my Dad, Mum and older brother. I was always quite quiet mostly keeping to myself or just playing with my toys. I just loved using my imagination. I never wanted dolls or barbies though I did have a strong liking to animals so had lots of animal toy (I'm surprised I'm not furry lol). Though we argued me and my brother were pretty close. I didn't really have many friends and just kept myself as the loner kid most of the time. I had plenty of male cousins who I would see a lot of the time. Why they could take their t-shirts off and run around but I couldn't always confused me as a child.



I had no confusion over gender though. I knew my difference between boys and girls. This was brought to my attention with the whole "Do you know the difference between boys and girls" and then the pull down of the pants. This was also followed by "Do you know how babies are made?" with a forced demonstration. This wasn't the only time and wow...that fucked up my early teens and teenage years. Thanks for that!

My childhood wasn't all that bad. I had one close friend and I had a good family life. I hated school but who doesn't as a kid? I hit puberty pretty early. I started getting breasts when I was 11. My period started a few months later. I was intensely frighten and told my mum. She seemed angry about the whole thing. Both my mum and dad were out that night but not doing the same thing. My dad was playing badminton and my mum was mostly likely carrying on her affair she was having at that time. Well at least this is what I'm lead to believe. I hope not. Who would leave their only daughter to go through a scary part in their live just for their own selfish needs. I cried that whole night. No-one else was going through this because I started young.

I was in secondary school now. I spent most of it by myself and I was bullied a lot. My parents split up and I stayed with my dad and my brother. Although my mother only lived a few minutes away it was still hard to see her, what with her having a new family and my father's constant guilt treatments. Soon he realised, because my mother did everything for us, that the house was getting dirty and blamed it on my brother and I. I wanted to keep the peace and tried my best but my brother is equally as lazy as my father and they argued all the time. I gained a lot of weight and never washed or bathed. My body sickened me and I was so miserable. I felt I had nothing in common with friends I did talk to. All of them talking about when they would hit their periods when mine had already been flowing for a year. Wanting bigger boobs when I hated the fact I was already a size C by the time I was 12. I didn't feel any closer to guys either because I was bullied by the majority of them. I was a freak of nature. I remember being shouted at when I was 12 by some horrible creature (has two kids by the time she's 19 *snort*) that I should put on some make up. I thought to myself "Why? I'm fucking 12!!" I think I was 15 when I finally caved in and started wearing make up but not all the time. I felt like a bad drag act.

I guess it was round about then I wanted to start getting boys to notice me. I knew for a loooong time that I was bisexual but didn't know there was such a thing. I thought it was either straight or gay. Didn't know there was an in between. I think I called it 'biosexual' when I told a friend of mine. She still finds it funny to this day. I knew I found women attractive but never tried to pursue anyone. It was bad enough trying to find a guy who liked you let alone a girl. I conformed the way of the teenage girl. Also due to early experiences I though sex was the only way of someone showing they liked you but also having that intense fear of being pregnant when I was 10 has made me shit scared of the subject! It sounds so silly now but back then when you didn't understand and had no-one to talk to about it everything is so frightening.

I've grown up a lot since then. I've became better at making friends and socializing though I'm still pretty shy. My hair was long but I acted like a normal tom girl. I feel like my teenage years weren't even a part of who I really am. Like I was a completely different, fucked up, ball of fatty mess. I wish it never happened or I can at least forget it all existed.

I never went to uni when my friends did. I did 2 years of performing arts till I realised it wasn't for me. I gained more confidence from my boyfriend Nigel and started working part time which then turned to full time. Nigel didn't care who I was or how I acted. He loved me because of me. Though he does like to make it know how much he likes me in dark makeup *rolls eyes*. I worked as a lab technician, given a very unflattering uniform but it didn't bother me. It was like I could hide the fact that I was a woman and as long as I was busy then I was happy. Though I wasn't busy a lot of the time, most of the time I was left twiddling my thumbs and I felt useless and a waste of space. I started having break downs, not knowing where my life was going. I went for another job within the company I was with a got a as an I.T technician. This was great to begin but again as long as I was busy I was happy. Again this became something that would have it's long no work moments but having to look constantly busy made it stressful. I hated the people I worked with. Horrible, boring fat lazy pieces of shit who didn't have a shred of personality between them. It was also plain the see I was the only woman there. I HATED that because it was so obvious every single day and being in a work environment you had no choice but to conform to it. I became very depressed. I only had Nigel as friendly company and a few people I knew over the Internet. I was pretty lonely.

When I was 21 I signed up to my first anime convention. I had wanted to go to one for awhile and now with my own money and my own car I could sign up and go to one. I had been a huge fan of anime for a good few years but didn't have anyone to talk about it with. I made friends, I had an awesome time but most importantly I got to crossplay. This had been the first proper shred of Independence I had ever had (I was still living my guilt tripping, lazy, hypocritical father). I felt an immense amount of freedom and liberation from just that weekend. I quit my job the following summer, spending that whole year preparing myself to go back into college to do art and then hopefully onto university.

With this new sense of one self I started considering my gender. I felt more happier being accepted as a guy. I researched and it seemed like an exciting thing for me. I didn't want to label myself as transsexual straight away so I just said I was a cross dresser. But with my shape it's hard for me to get away with cross dressing. Once again I got all my hair cut off, I told Nigel about it and he seemed fine. I think the reason why he likes me is because I not a stereotypical girl though he still has his views that I'm not transgender. Things have just...developed over the time from then to me now in my 2nd year or university. It's gone from 'yeah that would be cool' to 'why the hell didn't I realise this sooner!'

Second Life has been a big influence on me (good and bad). I'll probably talk about it more in depth in another post as it has been a big help making these decisions. I also have a lot of factors that are holding me back. Though I don't like my parents as people I love them as parents and I feel I couldn't go through this without their somewhat approval. The most important factor is my boyfriend Nigel. I don't think he could be with me if I was to transition and losing him scares me much more then being known as a woman for all of my life.

This year has pretty much been the turning point. When I've started talking this seriously. I'm seeing a counsellor, I'm binding on a regular basis and making it known to people I am close friends with that I'm not happy being a woman. I don't really talk about it with Nigel though and my parents do not know. I guess my Mum has suspicions about it but my Dad like always is oblivious. As of recent I have gone off my birth control pill. I want to see any changes that might happen as I have been on it for the past 6 years. It's been a week now and I've only noticed a shortness in temper but then again if you've had the kinda week I've had you'd be pretty short tempered too. I've been getting a lot of headaches too but that might be due to my body getting use to not having the extra hormones. Besides that I feel ok.

This post is already pretty long so I'm gonna stop it here. Don't know if it's really explained much about why I feel I am transsexual but hopefully that will come with more posts. The past doesn't matter now anyway...I'm looking to the future.

Until next time :)
Manny

Female voice

I also forgot to mention that when I drove all the way to my parent's place, I started practicing my feminine voice. It was interesting, I was singing to songs and all kinds of things, switching between male and female voices :)

Overall my girl voice is cute... it seems to have a deep southern accent that I didn't know was there xD

Cath's Intro

Hello all, I am glad that you have decided to stumble upon our humble little blog. 'From Both Sides' is run by me and a lovely fellow by the name of Manny. We collectively decided to make this blog as a stream of consciousness of what its like to be on either side of the gender spectrum. The name of the blog itself refers to both our geographical location in relation to eachother- I am in America and Manny is in the United Kingdom- but its also a reference to the fact that I am a Male to Female Transexual, and he is a Female to Male Transexual.

We are both fairly new to the whole transitioning scene, and so we both decided to make this very blog :)

Alright, enough with me being official, let me get back to my more suitable happy self ;)
I am Catherine often referred to as Cath or just simply Cat, but I will also sometimes go by Cathy. I am a Sophomore in College, majoring in Theology and minoring in Studio art. I've dabbled quite a lot in a ton of different kinds of arts over the years, ranging from sculpture to graphic design... I'm told I'm pretty good ;D

Still, I digress. From an early age I showed a desire to be feminine, despite my outward sex. When I was still in elementary school I played frequently with girls until they decided to kick me out of their social group for being a boy... and boys don't play 'House' (except for Hugh Laurie ;P). So I sorta settled for boy friends. In middle school I was constantly called gay due to events beyond my control seemingly conspiring against me... I... became sort of homophobic because of this. I didn't wanna be associated with anything gay because that would have opened up a whole can of worms. I became emotionally distant during this time period... doing my damnedest to be a male. At age 10 I was exposed to the idea of transexualism... researching it extensively throughout my pre-teens. Experimenting.

To be honest this is a tough time period for me to talk about, but its sort of necessary for me to talk about, so you- the reader- know where I'm coming from. Basically middle and high school sucked. By the age of 12 I slowly slipped into a state of depression. At the time I had no idea why... but its blatantly obvious now. Anyway. I constantly prayed to a God I hardly believed in that I'd be like Kafka and Metamorphosis into a girl. Even if it was just one day. I think thats partially why I lost all my faith and speak so ill of 'him' now.

Me and my family would take vacations out west ever since 2005. One such vacation landed me in San Fransisco in 2008. I, naturally being homophobic due to my own seemingly 'homosexual' past, was afraid of the gay people. After being there for a week or so... I realized that they were normal people like me... and I decided to look back on my life history to find out why I was so fearful of them as a whole. Overwhelming evidence of my homosexual tendencies reared their heads throughout my life, specifically throughout middle and high school... Apparently I repressed things. So I came out to myself as bisexual, researching the subject extensively on my computer (which was also the family computer <.< ) . I decided that I wouldn't make the jump to being solely gay or solely straight because of the fact that I still lacked any actual relationship... that and there was something that I missed. I still haven't had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, probably never will.

Anyway, I return from the vacation and my parents confronted me about 'if there was anything I had to tell them'. Obviously they were referring to my homosexuality... but it was too soon for me to tell them anything, so I lied. There wasn't anything I wanted to tell them. I told them that a girl (and my bbf) I had liked earlier that year (who was actually gay) had come out to me and that was why I was researching the subject. The stern look in my Father's face and my Mother's sorrowful look still burned in my eyes...

I went to college.

Far away from my parents. I explored my sexuality while at college, but nothing much came from it. In my sophomore year I was diagnosed with 'mild to severe' cases in depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies. It was true. I started taking herbal Rx to rid myself of my depression and to help with my atrocious memory...

When I was younger and when I would get really depressed I would think often about killing myself. Throwing myself into traffic, jumping off of something, getting into a car crash, or just getting beaten up by someone. However I would stop short because 'it wouldn't do the job', or I'd think about how much it would hurt. I know its grim to talk about it (I'm getting a little freaked out talking about it, to be honest) but... at the time I believed that death was my only solace. (I had been Buddhist briefly around my senior year of high school... and I believed in reincarnation, and overall I was hoping that if I were to live this sucky life... perhaps I'll end up in a female life next time. I have since abandoned this idea.) I just didn't want to hurt anymore, but I would never do it because I felt if I were to persevere through this life I would be somehow stronger. I was pretty hard headed... but I'm glad I didn't do it.

Long story short, my depression was lifted and looking back on my life, like I had in 2008, I realized that I was transexual. Although its only been 3 or 4 months, I've felt so good about myself. I'm smiling, laughing, and more importantly I'm liking myself more. Started to grow my hair out, sway my hips more, exaggerate some movements more, and overall accept my femininity to great enjoyment. I wish I had done it sooner, like when I was 10 and not when I was 20 ;D

Ever since my Freshman year in College I've been going to a counselor to talk about all of the above and more (there's quite a lot of things concerning my mother)... and she's helped me out quite a lot. Currently I'm doing a gender-timeline which is said to help me out and to find over arching patterns... which is more or less what I recited to you, albeit in a more skinned down version. Girl's gotta have some mystery ;D

Overall what I want from this blog is to see how much I will have grown throughout my transition and to give people a unique look at a FtM and a MtF's process through transition :)

This week I've been back at my parent's place for spring break. I initially thought it was going to be tortuous, as I had no idea how to contain my new part of myself from them... but they seem fairly accepting. When I rolled up in my car, the first thing my dad commented on was my lack of beard. I've yet to actually come out to them, but I have a feeling they've somehow known for years- before I even knew. My mother told me that my now longer hair was pretty, although it needed a trim (she's seem fixated upon this idea... for some reason). My dad commented that his hair was similar when he was my age... though different reasons, I'm sure ;D

I've owned toesocks ever since I've realized that I was trans... but I didn't realize that I was wearing them as I took off my shoes at my parents place. That could have easily turned into a mistake, but they laughed about it, saying that the striped toe socks looked good. I dared not show them my shaved legs... >.>

Later on in the week, I talked to my dad briefly about the story by Life & Style about Angelina Jolie 'turning' her 3 year old daughter Shiloh into a boy. She cut her hair shorter, wears boy clothes, and wants to be called John. The interwebs are all in a tizzy about it, claiming that girls don't know how to be girls or some inane garbage about that. Very few realize that John obviously wants to be a boy, and as such this is a transexual issue- nothing based on good or bad parenting. When I mentioned this to my father, he just claimed that she was gay. THATS ALL. Gee, thanks dad. Make me feel better about coming out to you, why dontcha? You can read the article here http://www.lifeandstylemag.com/2010/03/large-1011-cover.html.

Other news this week, I was able to make breast forms! I took a pair of undies that I never wore, cut them up- making two little pillows outta them, and then filled each with a half pound of rice. From here I took another pair of undies I had (I'm AWESOME at sewing btw) into a bra. The breast forms effectively gave me an awesome looking B-cup! Victory :D

Well, thats all for me.

Take care you all ;D
-Cath