Slowing down

You know, I really enjoyed Sam's (the name I decided to give Manny as sort of a test-name... it may be subject to change :P ) last post. I'm super happy that he managed to find a book in the library to help him out :) Heck, I may try to look for one myself ;D

For me finals are essentially over. I just have one left to do, and all its basically about is recounting everything I know about Hinduism and Buddhism- my bread and butter, so I'm golden.

Basically I have to just pack... bleh.

Its going to be tricky to hide my breast forms for sure >.>
... I guess I'll just keep em in a box <.<

Anywho, since it is finals and my roommates are all sort of going away next semester- one's graduating and the other is going to Japan for a semester. So its all sad to see them go for a little while, and not have them as roomies T-T So today I went with one of my roommies to go hang with a good friend of mine. Before we got over there we had some good ol' subway, after which I inflated the bag to make it look somewhat phalic. My roommate then pushed on the end and basically inverted it. He looked at me and looked back at it uttering the phrase "Sex change" with a laugh. I laughed too, after looking a little nervous. It was overall an interesting moment between us.

So we had fun at the apartment of my friends, played some videogames all while I inadvertedly standing and sitting much like a girl would. Its so... interesting how I just sorta do it naturally.

Hmm.... in other news I had my last meeting of the semester with my counselor, who commented about how interesing it was seeing me grow into a great person :) I'll have seen her for about 3 years now ^_^;

Nothing else is new here, I'll report back when something interesting happens, or when I wanna vent about my folks :P

Picking a name

Cath has pretty much has a name sorted for herself. Once the ball starts going she wants to be known as Catherine or Cat for short. I've given thought into what I would like my "guy name" to be but for some reason can't really see it being taken into action.

For ages when I was a kid I loved the named Mark and whenever I wanted to think I was a guy or pretended to be a guy I called myself Mark. I liked being called Umbrav, which is my badges name because though quite androgynous it's still more masculine sounding. I've known a lot of people trying to feminise it by changing it to Umbie or Umbie Chan (pfft). Manny came into the equation when I first started on Second Life. Manny is an original character I have who was quite popular at that time and I enjoyed drawing. When I first started on SL it was kind of a task to make my avie look like what Manny did in my drawings. But after two years he's become more of what I would like to look like.

The most recent name I've been known as is Derren a name that I personally really like and inspired by who I believe to be a very clever man Derren Brown. Only over the last couple of months have I been really thinking "Right...if I'm gonna be a guy..I'm gonna need a new name!" Derren I would like to be known as but this has happened a lot since I've been using Derren on SL and that is being called Darren. Now I don't mind Darren but I don't want it to be my name. I don't reeeaallly want to be called Manny either. Though I like the name I don't want people thinking I pick an unusual name because I could and to make me seem interesting. Just a normal name people could accept.

If things go the way they do I might be considered still female for a few years to come. It that case I thought it would be a good idea to pick a more androgynous name. I'm currently through the names and seeing what would suit me most. and I'm going "I like Tyler...but I don't look like a Tyler"

At least I've only got that and an essay to do. My head is swimming with thoughts of representations of masculinity it's making me crazy. Oh well..only a few more days.

The lonliness of it all...

The last few of days have been a little hard. I came to a conclusion with my consellor that this was a direction I wanted to go in but the only way for me to go any further was atleast let one of my parents know but most importantly Nigel.

With the added stress of hand-ins and essays I found myself getting stupidly drunk and passing out in a pile of my own vomit (yummeh!). I believe I talked to my friends in a drunken ramble about wanting to be known as a guy but considoring I WAS outragously pissed I'm not sure they took me seriously.

I still don't feel any better though. I've been losing weight which I really proud of and have been keeping to the diet. Just nothing seems to be cheering me up and I blame this fully on my period. It's pretty intense this month and I can't seem to get rid of the sense of self loathing.

Today was my last session with my consellor. The uni only allows you up to 6 sessions and anymore if you feel them nesserary. She's been really god help to me recognising what I need to do next. I finally got over my fear or looking more into FtMs and got 'The boy who was born a girl' from the libary. I felt incredably connected to the main focus in the documentary and the information about hormone treatment and packing was also very interesting. I can get something that will let me pee while standing up? WIN!

While I find so much excitment in learning these new things and thinking this could be more then me considoring I'm also pretty afraid to tell Nigel and my family. I think I will have to show Nigel this blog. It's the only way I can get him to somewhat believe that I'm not just doing this for a laugh. After that we can talk about it and see where we stand. I will most likely tell my Mum before my dad...and probably in a written letter or e-mail of some sort. That way it isn't so awkard and I'm not completely bombarded with questions that I get all confused and lose my point. I get like that it it seems to come off I'm not as serious as it really is.

I wanna cry...just to get it out of my system!! Then after that I can slap some sense into myself and get on with it. I wish i could meet more FtM after watching the doc. Where are they all? >.>

... Pictures

Alright, so on my male Facebook I have quite a few pictures of myself. Most of which are taken by webcam, and sorta just document how much I'm growing as a person. I've always essentially been the person who takes the pictures rather than the person in the photos... I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to vacation photos. I have very few photos of myself between the ages of 10 and 20, and thats fairly sad... but not so much given the fact that I don't really like the look of me.

er, well I do, but let me continue.

So, I've been taking more pictures of myself and decided to put some of them up on my male Facebook to sort of... show them off, I guess.

Instantly I get back so many responses about how cute I look in the comments section and how my horrid facial hair actually looked good on me.

*Armflail*

Here's the photo. The 'beard' was more or less me unable to shave due to finals week... it seems to be a common trend -_-;

Compared with the most latest picture of me (taken a semester after the other one) and you can see some sort of progress atleast in facial expression.

Still, sort of the fact that people like me when I have facial hair is kinda weird. I mean, don't get me wrong, but my male self is pretty hot... I just don't wanna be him anymore, you know?

Hmm. Like I explained, its finals week and I just finished a buncha papers by staying up super late. How late you ask? Late enough where I saw the SUN RISE for the first time in years. I forgot how blinding the sun actually is.

Anyway, I'm sort of like a zombie right now, but its all good. Just one more class to finish up and I'm done.... until finals x.x

I'm still alive too!

Hey everyone,

I've been posting less then Cath so just an update on whats been happening with me.

I've been kinda down but trying a number of things to perk up my spirits. I've been insanely lazy with my uni work and thus I know I will suffer in the next couple of weeks. My own fault but meh I'm just gonna have to work ten times as hard now.


I got my hair cut yesterday. Looks and feels awesome and is probably the shortest I've had since I was a kid. I haven't done too great on my weight lose either so am gonna sign up to weight watchers to see if they can help me out as I lost quite a bit last time I used them. I just need that extra little bit of help.

I went to a friends party right at the beginning of the month. I knew that the other FtM I have mentioned before was going to be there so decided to make an effort to at least talk to him. Though we didn't talk much I know they at least like the same kinda hentai I like to kudos to that XD.
I had fun pretty much until the end of the night. I was getting to that state of drunk where it just made you tired and we started playing a game of super munchkin (yeah it was a geek party). I didn't understand the game fully and ended up being the only one who didn't have a chance to win and I was too tired to really make an effort. I could see the other FtM (by the way I'm just saying 'The other FtM' because I don't want to mention names, not because I'm being rude) was being referred to as 'him' by a lot of people. Every time some referred to me as 'she' (especially this one guy who seem to be very rude to me just because I was female!) it felt like nails down a chalk board. I just wanted to get out. When the game finally finished (freaking 2 hours later!) I went back to my flat and cried like a fucking baby. I felt so shit, though I was probably a little drunk still.

I feel pretty lost at the moment. Do I want this or not? It's obvious I do but am I willing to lose the love I have of my family or Nigel. I think my family would understand...my mum would understand..my dad would probably take longer. I think the best thing to be would be to let them know...some way..just how I'm feeling and that I'm dealing with whether to change or not. Nigel would be different..because he wants a girlfriend..not a boyfriend. I think I might direct him to this blog. Just to let him know what I'm going through as I have been kinda snappy with him lately. I sometimes feel I can be dealing with staying the way I am and I sometimes get myself into thinking I could find happiness in being a woman if I tried. I sometimes feel this is just something that I've thought of..the next crazy thing to go on in my mind. But since 2006 I think I've been feeling this way and there are signs of it all through my life.

I'm addicted to Second Life at the moment. Nigel says it's because it portrays something that I want to be in real life but I can't unless I make changes...and he's so right it makes me sick.

Lets try and lose some weight first...and get some work done.

Manny signing out :) Until next time.

Alive

Hey all, sorry for the long absence.

Just incase your all wondering, things with that one girl just kept getting worse and worse. I don't really wanna talk about it, so I just.... erased her from this blog.

Anyway, finals are coming up and I have been super busy/just plain stupid. Just for a rough draft I decided to pull two all nighters in a row, which whipped me in terms of energy. Really, I'm draggin' right now. Its all good though, there was a test that was going to happen today which got canceled on the spot- I'm sure I would have failed it based on my sleepiness and my lack of a grasp on the subject material. Regardless, I SHOULD sleep well this weekend.

Had day of silence today, and I was quiet pretty much all day except for my counselor meeting.... Quite successful if I might say so myself. Its amazing how good I am at keeping quiet....

Just basically telling you all that I'm still alive, and.... it may be the sleep deprivation.... but every time I look in the mirror I see glimpses of a girl looking back, only to loose it. I can still kind of see her, in a way. Its weird.

Popular Cath is Popular

Yeah, so, I haven't been getting to bed at reasonable hours, and I haven't really been keeping up in my studies.

Granted, I have had some bad allergies lately and had to miss out on a couple classes... bleh. I've been more or less taking it easy, there's nothing really going on for me for Easter.

The last couple of counselor sessions have been interesting to say the least. Its all actually really private and... I don't want to say anything except its sorta gotten me teary-eyed whenever I thought about what we brought up. Like, as of late we've been doing a 'Gender Timeline' of all the stuff that has happened thus far in my life. We've been bouncing back and forth from my early childhood to my emotionless middle school years. It gets kind of tough when your living all those stinky times over and over... Its almost like school doesn't exist anymore- I just go to my counselor meetings and get shaken up :/