Long time

Hello all,
Sorry about the delay in things going on. I'll try to keep this brief while covering literally half a year... Lets get cracking!

So far my transition has been pretty much slow, yet highly calculated, steps. I personally like it that way since it really doesn't draw much attention to myself as someone who is transgendered. Although you can go the speed of light, its not a race. I want you readers (whoever you are and whatever your sexuality may be) to always remember this.

The big news is the fact that I came out to one of my male friends whom I've only known briefly. For all intensive purposes, let me refer to him henceforth as "Kook" (a variation on his usual internet callsign). Anywho, some months prior I had been playing a game of Halo Reach with Kook and a few mutual friends, whom I met him through. Naturally, I play as a female character. And of course naturally people ask about it, but I always just shrug it off. So at one point he mentioned something about being distracted by my character's bum. I then proceed to proclaim how cute his character's but was. He felt awkward, since I sound still like a guy, but my male friends who were playing with us at the time informed Kook that I liked men.... "close enough", I figure.

So he knows I'm somewhere in the LGBTIQQA community (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Intersexed Queer Questioning & Ally), but not really sure where. Some time goes by, and his roommates leave for winter break and he's all home alone eating nothing but ramen. We've stopped playing Halo so often, so we migrated onto Skype where I met his brother and girlfriend. It was at this point that I told him I was trans. He was sort of blown away, but completely cool about it. He told his girl and I eventually told his brother, who was equally ok with it. Kook and his brother started referring to me by my proper pronoun, and it felt great :)

They overall helped me with my voice and allowed me to build up my coinfedence, which was nice for a change. However it was awkward to go from a "She, her" environment to a "He, him" environment. I can testify now that "He & Him" really sort of hurt. Anyway, eventually I came out to Kook's roommates, who all are now referring to me as she and her... all is good.

My roommates have, however, been quite a bit of a problem. For a semester one of my roommates, Justin, was off on a leave of absence, and finally came back. What followed was a string of parties, long nights and never ending music. Not to mention the drug usage, fowl language (conveniently occurring once they wake up- as if they wake up from a dream about being a sailor), loud sex without informing me, whiney friends, and a general negligence to do dishes/take out the trash. Overall, its fairly bad.

However, what is really nice is the fact that I essentially have a single room... since the roommate thats supposed to be in my room with me never stays. So, that being said, I can dress up whenever and however frequently as I'd like. I've already started the process to move to another appartment on campus, but I'm seriously saddened by the fact that I cannot dress as much as possible anymore. I mean, me and a friend have been going to Salvation army stores like mad, and I usually buy a few things whilst there. (As a side tip, Salval's are your best bet for clothes!) So I have a bit of a wardrobe now and I leave it out and about since nobody really comes into my room anyhow. I even bought a bloody wig, but I'm really hoping to get on DHT blockers to improve my beautiful hair...

I still smoke pot, often with Kook. He's really fun like that. I'd like to note that whenever I get really high, I start to really move and behave like a girl. Kook is a bit stunned by my walk, apparently :3

I've started to watch this anime called Wandering Son , which is about a boy and girl in middleshool who really want to become the opposite of their birth gender. For once transexualism isn't the joke or used stereotypically- I actually really feel for the character's struggles. Oddly enough I'm reminded of me and Nathan... but I'd like to think I'm not nearly as effeminate as the transwoman in the series, yet I'm positive I was when I was that age. I really wish I hadn't waited so bloody long to start this process.

Using that as a transition (hah), I'm planning on going to the next con down here as Yoshino Takatsuki, the girl who wants to be a boy.

Its admittedly a weird contradiction for me... I mean, I want to crossplay someone, but I seriously am nervous about my abilities to actually pull off a decent looking girl. So, using this logic I've decided to go for Yoshino in his "girl form". Its a relatively simple crossplay- just a blazer, undershirt, optional sweater, and a skirt (Or I can just go for the shirt and pants >.> ).

I'm really excited. My favorite part of all this is I'm a transwoman in pre-transition who is going to a convention as a girl who wants to be a man, who naturally acts like a boy whenever possible... so I'm basically going as a guy again, if you wanna follow that train of logic... *cough* Its just silly :)


I'm a bit dazed right now, so that's probably why this entire post is a bit wonky... I'll make it up to y'all with comparative pictures of me now dressed up with some when I first started pre-transition!

Tootles folks!

P.S. I started my autobiography too! xD

Possibly illegal

Hello all,
I've decided I'd better post something here so that I have a logical excuse for not quite writing a paper that's due in about a week.

Before I get started on the story section of this post, let me first say that I will turn 21 in 18 days! :D Granted I don't like to drink too often- I usually give each drinking session about a 2-3 weeks cool down session before I drink again. It allows me to appreciate it just a little bit more.

Anyway, story time:
Last Friday I went to a friends place for her birthday party. We've been pals since at least 2005 (high school), and we pretty much came out to eachother first. Albeit I came out to her twice, once as a bisexual male, and the other time as a woman.
Regardless, it was probably the first time that Ive ever really been invited to a party. Since I'm relatively secluded when it comes to social groups, I'm not invited to parties often, if at all. I don't think its really a big deal. Still, I got a text from my friend saying that her and her girl are having a last minute birthday party, and I'm invited.

I could stop here, and my reputation and y'alls perception of me could remain intact. Yet I'm fairly sure I'm making too much of a big deal about it. While at the party there was a lot of drinking (some people, my friend and myself included, were underage) and pot smoking. It was really my second time smoking the stuff... the other time was also at my friend's place, which may or may not have been a deciding factor in me attending her party.

Still, I got high. It felt pretty good, to say the least.
For those of you who do not know, I'm terribly afraid of dogs, and my friend happened to have one at her house... so I was wary of it for most of the night. When I smoked a little bit I realized that I was totally cool with the dog, and even started petting it- something I wouldn't do normally. I also have a lack of sense of smell- and my sense of taste is pretty terrible too. Still, while high everything tasted WAY better than I've ever remembered them to be... it must be what normal people taste!

It was a pretty rocking night. There was a bonfire (illegal, and I was freaking out about it before I mellowed out a bit) and music outside along with blankets. Everyone made vegan smores and all was good. Afterwards I helped put out the fire with my friend's girlfriend, and I believe gaining some brownie points with her.

Later in the night we all chilled inside just talking and letting my friend open her presents. She decided to act stereotypically jewish and save every bit of wrapping paper that she could, before someone promptly crumpled it up and tossed all of it. Just so y'all know, she was raised jewish before converting out of the religion... im not quite sure what she believes now. I sat next to her while she opened the presents and her girlfriend filmed her reactions to the stuff. I gave her my favorite musical- The Producers- as a last minute birthday present.

It was a really fun exprerience, and needless to say I felt pretty friggin' feminine throughout a lot of it. It may have been because my anxieties were finally gone and I could just let the real me shine through... but that segways into my next topic quite nicely.

I've been told that there are a lot of trans-folk out there who use drugs quite regularly to deal with problems of being trans (not saying that there are any problems with being trans, its just mostly emotional and social stigma which is forced upon us and prevents us from conforming well), and they do slip into a nasty drug habit.

Again, I'm not saying that pot is a "gateway" drug like its often portrayed by most, its just as likely to lead you into worse drugs as cigarettes. What I mainly wanted to say is that any transperson out there who DOES do a little bit of drugs... be careful of yourself. Enjoy that bud or beer responsibly, and please don't do anything rash.

With that said, I probably won't smoke again for another month or two... make me enjoy it, y'know? ;)

G.I.F.T.

Sorry Nathan! I haven't posted forever because... well there wasn't really anything for me to post about, lest I'd go through all of the semester. Before I do that, I'd like to mention some things about what happened in the past week or so.

The big thing was that my school LGBT club called Spectrum hosted a discussion panel with the Office of Multicultural Affairs and a few others. What was the topic of the panel, you ask? "Where is the T in LGBT?" :3

I sat in the back and filmed the entire thing on a small camera. I'm afraid I got the back of people's heads and the main composition was bad (as my wrist started giving out about half way through and started twitching awkwardly)... but still, I got the audio, which was the important thing. Anyway, the panel was mostly about trans-awareness and had a bunch of trans women and men in the audience and in the panel. First time I've ever been in the company of other transwomen, and I was a tad nervous to say the least. The panel talked about hate crimes against trans people, the struggles they go through, and recent legislation in my state to have laws against hate crimes. It was immensely interesting to say the least :)

So, after the panel I chatted it up with one of the transmen, Jake. If he hadn't mentioned that he was trans I wouldn't have known... which makes me think that passing as a transman is much easier than transwomen, since most of them in the audience were older than me by about 40 years (at least), and looked a bit like men. I tried not to stare, since thats commonly considered rude, and for god sakes I didn't want to do or say anything awkward that'd ban me from the community.

Anyway, I commented to Jake about if there was any evidence to support the idea that a majority of transwomen entered the military, since one of the comments after the panel briefly mentioned it. He started to talk about the subject as if I was new to the entire thing- as if I wasn't in the community. I was nervous to say that I was in the community, since there were a few friends still lingering around. So I casually said stuff like "Oh yeah, I read that on a forum I frequent" and I eventually flat out mentioned the work I do to support trans-people in Second Life. He got that part immediately, and pointed me to some local resources. He gave me his business card and told me about the local trans group (its meeting is this week, so I'm definitely going!) and all kinds of things. We joked around a bit and it was really kinda fun. After I told him vaguely that I was basically in the same boat, I noticed that I was able to open up a bit and show off a bit of my feminine side- something I hardly do in real life. It felt good for once :)

So I went around to the people who were left, talked to a younger transwoman on the panel and congratulated her on speaking that night. I also talked to the head of the local trans support group (who I wouldnt have guessed was trans, giving me hope for myself :) ), and she told me where it was and local landmarks to help me find it.

"Its right by the Chinese Restaurant on Mills Ave." She said
"Oh, I love Chinese!" I said
"Well, the reason why I say that is because if you park in their parking lot you will be towed... they don't seem to like us over there."
"Oh... well, atleast I have dinner plans for that night atleast ^_^;"

(the name of the support group is GIFT)

The rest of the night went smoothly. A couple people whom I told I was trans was there and congratulated me on coming. One of them was a girl in Spectrum whom set up the discussion in the first place- making me think the entire thing was for me anyway.


Er. Besides that nothing else has been going on. I've been going to my therapist about all this stuff, and I've started to take DHT blockers to help my hair grow back. Also I've been taking some medicine to help me stop having hallucinations... hopefully it'll work.

Adios!

Gaaah!

Ha! Heres Cat telling me to do a post and she hasn't done one in ages :P Oh well. She has been busy with college soooo yeaaaah....*hee*

Not much to report on things. When ever I see Cat she has always made such great progress while I'm pretty much stuck where I am for the time being. I sometimes do get waves of depression hit me because of it and just wanted to curl up in the corner and not leave the flat. I feel this make me want to seek some sort of help, even for me just to accept how things are going to be from now. But I'm pretty busy with uni work soooppfftttttt..

By the way I have started a new blog about my studies into sex and gender which you can find here http://blueforaboy.blogspot.com . This is mostly for final year research but I do like updating it. Sex and gender have always been a great interest of mine. :)

Stuff over the Summer

Wow, I'm really sorry. It's been ages since I last posted. So I'll round up everything in a nut shell.

Basically summer was cool...in a way. I pretty much had to work most of it which was insanely boring but needed the money. I crossed dressed most days I was there and no-one really seemed to mind. Though I did hear there was stuff said about me behind my back. Pfft people are silly.

My hair is now the shortest it's eve been. The first time it was done it looked great so went back to the same girl to get it done again. This time though it was just too short and didn't suit me. It went from brown to blond to purple..and is purple now.
This was me at Amecon which I pretty much dressed the way I wanted to all weekend. Though I got a couple of strange looks it was freakin awesome. I still like going into the ladies toilet which my start becoming a problem...I'm just nervous is all. :/

I went to Berlin with Nigel for the bannk holiday weekend which was really nice but also kind of uncomfortable. Because I wanted to give him that 5% I promised him I didn't take my binder. Instead a wore a bra but found myself wearing mostly baggy clothes.I just don't feel comfortable with having my tits out all over the place.

So I'm in the new flat which is looking pretty sweet at the moment. I went out one day in a bra and really felt everyone was looking at my meat chest bags. It felt really uncomfortable so I put the binder on again straight away. I'm thinking of getting me some sports bras just to give me a little more bind on them but so I don't have to wear my binder everyday..as it's starting to hurt my nipples and back.

That's about...will probably write more soon but I really need to start thinking of my final year project :O

Schoolhouse rock

Wow its been forever since I posted anything on here... likewise for Nathan. Guess our live just got a bit nuts ^_^;

Well, I'm back in college now and quite frankly I'm swamped every tuesday and thursday. Classes on those days run from 11am to 8pm @_@... but I'm surviving. My roommates are ok (for guys). One's whipped by his girlfriend, and he's never actually slept in our room- so its like I have a single. Another got into a car wreck 2 days after he bought a car... and he's now on a leave of absence for a semester. The last guy is alright. He says by himself often like me and sleeps a lot (he also eats a TON of tuna. Gotta check him for gills), but all and all he's alright.

Been to my therapist quite a lot recently. Just now going over what may be the cause of my auditory and visual hallucinations. Nothing definite right now, but we are getting close.

I started up a comic too, go check it out here: http://oat.smackjeeves.com/ It updates every monday with a story comic and every wednesday with a sketch of somekind.

As for other stuff, I tried to shave my legs with my electric razor but I only got about 3/4ths done before it sorta fried out on me. I swear my hair is as strong as steel! So now I gotta wear my pants lest I be caught with a half hairy leg standing against a hairless one. I also gotta do my chest, so I'm thinking about snagging me some of that chemical hair remover- Veet. I used it ages ago, and it works splendidly :)

Classes around here are ok, only class to really kick my ass is Japanese, which my book came late for. Apparently it got caught up in the mail for literally 16 days. I'm still kinda peeved. I'm taking Hebrew Bible, Semiotics, and Artist's book (where I learn how to make books :D ), and they're all really fun!

Oh, and I bought a dildo, and I hope it came today ^_^



... what, TMI? ;)


See yall later!

Seeing things

Hey y'all, quick post today.

I'm heading back to college this Friday, the 20th, and I'll be packing all week. I've also got several doctors appointments this week and basically tying up loose ends. Overall this is the most stressed that I've been all summer, but its common when I'm heading back to school, so its all good :)

Anyway, last Thursday I went over to a friend's house to play videogames with his brothers. He kept suggesting how he wanted me and his brothers to spend the night and play games all night. His house was a bit run down and, well, male-ish. There were dirty dishes in the sink and the whole house was just dirty. If I had stayed the night I'd have to have slept on the couch or something. The AC unit hardly even covered the entire house.

So, needless to say I didn't spend the night, and I dropped off the brothers sometime around midnight. Now, my friend's house is literally 2 towns away, so I had to drive down a really dark road around 1 am. I was getting a little sleepy but I was still awake enough to make it another couple of miles or so back home. There were no lights around and no cars behind or in front of me. Thats when I saw a little lantern light hovering about 5 feet above the ground and about 20 feet behind my left shoulder. It was pretty dim... probably about as bright as a 50 watt light bulb. It followed me for about 5-8 minutes... roughly 4-6 miles. I noticed it in my rear view mirror first, and it didn't dawn on me to look behind me or to check my mirrors until about 4 miles and I had deduced that it wasn't a motorcycle. It stayed exactly 20 or so feet behind me and slowed down wen I did... I eventually looked in my side mirror (changed perspective), and it just vanished.

I'm afraid it might have been a hallucination, but I'll talk to my therapist about it.