Hide

They said nothing the entire day. I believe my mother is as oblivious as a bat in a thunderstorm.

I feared that the instant I got out of bed that I'd be bombarded with questions and have to relay 2 years of LGBTIQQA information all the while making them not hate me. Sure, I feel that my parents are now more open then ever before, but I still was afraid that something could go horribly wrong and... well I wouldn't get money for college.

My main method for telling them remains to be to get them relaxed so that we could talk and have a discussion like civilized adults. I'd require a 'speaking batton' for anyone to speak... that way I woudlnt get interrupted. Next I'd begin in 2008 when I went to San Fran with them where I found out I was Bi... and then I'd expand to my deep depression that's lasted since age 12 to age 20... my suicidal tendencies and my eventual realization of my trans-ness. And I'd expand from there and say that I haven't revealed any of this to anyone... that I haven't told anyone of my transgender tendencies, just to cement the fact that I care about the family (shhh all of you >.> ). I'll emphasis that I've always been this person, just in denial. Obviously I haven't noticeably changed over 2 years... or if I have its been really positive. I'll explain that my therapist at school has really helped me out with all of this, and that she's been the cornerstone in my transition.

Speaking of transition, I will mention that I plan to transition when I'm out of college, so as to avoid confusion in the family, school, community, and myself. Transitioning while half way through college is hard... at least that's what I've deduced. Hopefully this will be a decent bargaining chip. From here I'll wing it... I donno what will happen by this point, but I hope its for the best.

I plan on doing this all in due time... perhaps at the end of this year in college.

I'm simultaneously posting this here, on the Transe-generation forums, and on my blog ( [url="http://from-both-sides.blogspot.com/"]From both sides[/url] ), so as to avoid retelling the same thing twice. I know a lot of you have worried about me based on my last post... and I'm fine.

Just after I posted my last... post... I decided I needed to hide all of my stuff. Makeup, clothes, books (I do my research!)... everything. I did this by way of my closet and a tub of beanie-babies. I hid the boxes in my closet (all of varying size) high on the shelves next to the door, hoping that they'd think that nothing has happened there in a very long time. I hardly ever go in there, so its unlikely that I go in there even now.

I think I did a good job of hiding it... :)

I dreaded getting up this morning.... for obvious reasons. But nothing happened, and that filled me with a sort of blank emotion, which lessened as the day went on. However I didn't feel girlish... I felt just awkward. Whenever someone forces me to do something its likely that I will never do it, hence why I was afraid of being forced to come out. Still, I promised myself the last time I dodged coming out to not run away the next time I had to truly come out. I progressively became more feminine as the day went on thanks to Second Life. I put on a frilly dress and went out to a ballroom :)

I'm fine now, thanks to all those who worried and gave be all their best wishes. I love you all <3

-Cathy


P.s. I doubt this situation has been resolved... expect to hear more from it in the future.

Suprise come out.

Ok, while I type this I'm slightly hyperventilating and crying. I plan to post this both to my blog and the Transgeneration forums, so pardon if I get a little vague or covering old ground.

Alright, long story short. Over the summer I've been working landscaping with a friend and making a ton of money. I've used this money leisurely to buy makeup. Today I bought the last bit of my makeup and decided to put it on in the evening. I went to my bathroom to put it on after my parents went to sleep.


Or so I thought.

F**k all.... tonight WOULD be the night that my mother comes back to my bathroom to not wake my dad up. She comes back to use my restroom; I'm in my room and hear her come in. I had just finished puting on my makeup and was back admiring my horrible job (its my first time) when she popped in her head and said "Is it ok if I use your bathroom?" I say "Uh... no, I can't let you do that." "Why?" "It... I think it smells?" (I have no sense of smell...). I can tell my voice is shaking but I don't care. I'm too afraid and panic-stricken to say anything useful. She goes in anyway, goes to the bathroom, washes up (even folds my towel which was mere feet away from the makeup half opened (Why didn't I clean up when I was done?!) and leaves. Not a peep from her.

I quickly remove my breast forms (most expensive things on me), and clean up hastilly. I wipe off all my makeup and go back to see her. I can tell I'm panic, and I know she can see... not to mention how red my face is from scrubbing. She's on the computer, in her glasses, squinting at the computer screen. We talk for a bit about nothing. Especially nothing in the bathroom. She's not crying or anything... if anything she seems a little annoyed, but ok (she wasn't annoyed in her voice tho). She doesn't hate me... I dont think.

So I'm back in my room, writing this (obviously). After I post this to my blog and the forums, I'm going to forward the blog to my therapist, explain what has happened briefly and advice on what to do, clear out my cookies and bookmarks, and hide my stuff as best I can.

.... and I'm going to prepare for "the talk".
If its anything like the one I backed out of 2 years ago when they found out I was gay, then... its going to be emotionally painful (perhaps physical). Thus far I have proven myself to be an able bodied person and my father even said that he was proud of me recently...

I posted this on here to see if I can get any sort of advice from anyone; however this shows that they may already know....

I may not post for a while. Hopefully I'll be alive (yes, I'm THAT scared, but its an irrational scared). If at all possible I will post.... eventually.